Friday, November 17, 2017

Try my world-famous “Texas Caviar” recipe.

It’s 9:45 on an overcast Thursday morning. Welcome to November in Texas, people. Pleasant temperatures (today’s high will be 71°) but dreary. Sam is out taking a walk and I’m here in the study with the Howdygram and a bag of Chester’s cheese puffcorn. This is a nicer snack than Cheetos because Chester’s doesn’t turn your fingers orange. My only complaint: I order Chester’s Puffcorn online from Wal-Mart and they’re charging $2.75 for a bag that’s clearly marked “$2 only.” What the fuck! Are they KIDDING?

Friday, November 10, 2017

I’m a senior citizen with diabetes, a shitty immune system and kidney disease. How about you?

Yes, dear readers, it’s me again, ... coming to you live from Howdygram headquarters, the nerve center of north Texas! As always I find myself compelled to apologize for the long delay since my last post. I’ve been sick again. This time it was another urinary tract infection with a raging fever, during which I didn’t eat, couldn’t stand up, pished all over tarnation and scared Sam half to death. (For me, these recurring infections are exacerbated by the fact that I’m a senior citizen with diabetes, a shitty immune system and kidney disease.) Afterwards it took a couple of days to get my appetite back and walk without feeling (or looking) inebriated. I’m doing well now. Thank you for asking.

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Happy birthday to me. Yee-haw.

Hi-de-ho, everybody. Here’s a Howdygram news bulletin for you.

I’m 66 years old today.

Sunday, October 29, 2017

Yes, you can make good homemade potato salad with canned diced potatoes!

Yo, everybody! Sam is at Popeye’s picking up a sack of spicy poultry and assorted “sides” for dinner tonight … to go along with the bowl of MARCY’S WORLD-FAMOUS POTATO SALAD that I made a few minutes ago. Yes, I actually made potato salad today ... although I didn’t boil, peel and dice any actual raw potatoes because I haven’t been able to stand up in the kitchen — due to mobility issues — for at least five years, and this isn’t something I’d ever get Sam to do. Therefore we’re trying my recipe today with canned diced potatoes from Wal-Mart and fresh celery, bell pepper, red onion and four hard-boiled eggs that I mooshed carefully at my desk in the study. To all this we’ll add my Award-Winning Potato Salad Dressing, which consists of nice mayo, juice from a jar of green olives and a hefty dash of Lawry’s salt. Stay tuned for a candid and impartial food review!

Thursday, October 19, 2017

Know what? I’ve been expanding The Howdygram Store’s product line again.

Happy Tuesday, y’all. Sam is out for a walk around the lake and I’m here at home typing furiously … even though I’m not really furious about anything except the Manhattan orangutan in the White House. Also Congress.

Sunday, October 15, 2017

I’ve discovered the best canned tamales!

Happy Sunday and hi-de-ho from Howdygram headquarters! It’s nearly 9 a.m. and I thought I’d start the day with some weird yet random thoughts, illuminated below in nicely-subtitled paragraphs. You’re welcome!

Saturday, October 14, 2017

Writing is my catharsis. So why the hell have I been avoiding it?

I don’t have the urge to write as often as I used to … and I absolutely HATE it when I don’t feel drawn to the Howdygram. I love the Howdygram. Writing is my catharsis, it’s therapeutic, and it always makes me happy.  Therefore if you can figure out why the hell I’ve been avoiding it, please send an email at your earliest convenience and let me know. Thank you. In the meantime I’ll try to do better, because writing one post a week is abysmal.

Saturday, October 7, 2017

Medicare open enrollment starts October 15. Oy.

I know, I know. It’s been a whole week since my last Howdygram post and everybody’s pissed at me. I get it. To help explain my absence, the past seven days have been filled with the following activities …

Saturday, September 30, 2017

Thank God for our new Bissell carpet shampooer.

Happy Thursday and hi-de-ho! After a rather peculiar week I’m finally feeling upbeat enough to horse around with the Howdygram and tell y’all what’s been going on around here. I had a second appointment on Tuesday with my visiting nurse practitioner, Anthonia, and her trusty sidekick, Nora.

Saturday, September 23, 2017

I thought it might be fun to order a few Wal-Mart store-brand products that I’ve never tried before. Seriously.

I honestly can’t believe it’s been almost a week since my last post … but I have an excuse, and a good one. I FEEL LIKE SHIT AND IT HURTS TO SIT AT MY DESK. Guess I’m at that point in life when whining about my health is the only consistent theme of my blog. You’d better do your best to get used to this.

Sunday, September 17, 2017

I get excited about free fonts even when I’m not on drugs.

Big day today, people! About an hour ago I took my first dose of Tramadol — an addictive prescription painkiller — that I’ll be taking alongside 10 mg of Hydrocodone every six hours. At the moment, though, I currently find myself juggling a variety of distinct side effects: 1) sore eyeballs; 2) mild nausea and belching; 3) a headache; and 4) an overpowering need to download a shitload of FREE FONTS. I’m not sure number four really has anything to do with prescription painkillers, however. I get excited about free fonts even when I’m not on drugs.

Friday, September 15, 2017

I’ve got some medical issues today. Also some Chef Boyardee mini ravioli.

Hi-de-ho and happy Friday! Sam is napping in the family room and I’m at my desk in the study with a nice hot Hormel Compleats Chicken Breast & Gravy with Mashed Potatoes, one of my favorite meals for housebound senior citizens who can’t stand up any more to cook things. This is actually a tasty little entrée and only costs $1.98 from Wal-Mart. Holy shit, right?

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

I’ll never have to go to the doctor again. Let’s watch a Myrna Loy movie to celebrate!

It’s 10 a.m. on Monday morning … another sunny and unseasonably warm fall day with a forecast high temperature of 87°. If you don’t like to sweat please feel free to stay indoors and watch movies with a bag of crunchy things.

Sunday, September 10, 2017

Happy anniversary to Sam and me.

Happy Sunday to you and yours! Today is a big hoo-hah at Howdygram headquarters for the following essential reasons. One, Hurricane Irma is giving Florida a blow job, and two, Sam and I are celebrating our wedding anniversary. (These two events are not entirely unrelated, by the way.) Sam and I were married 11 years ago today at an Al Capone-themed wedding chapel in Las Vegas followed by a lot of Chinese food. Stop laughing.

Saturday, September 9, 2017

I wish I could do a back flip.

It’s really happening! I’m finally registered with Baylor Hospital’s “Housecalls” program ... visiting M.D.s and nurse practitioners who see you at home because you’re too fucking miserable to show up for a regular office visit like normal people. In my case, I’ve got a first appointment with a nurse practitioner confirmed for Monday. I wish I could do a back flip.

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Wow. Baylor has a “Housecalls” program for shleppy old ladies just like me!

Hi-de-ho, guys! I’ve decided to be “smarter” about my posts from now on … writing a little less at one time with fewer paragraph subtitles so I can keep you updated on my health and ongoing situations here at Howdygram headquarters. When I’m not well I lose track of the days. For instance, I didn’t realize today was Wednesday until a couple of minutes ago and that my last post was on Sunday. I sincerely apologize for being such a screwball.

Sunday, September 3, 2017

Hurricane Barbie and Ku Klux Ken attempt another failed do-over in Houston.

Good Sunday morning to you and yours! Believe it or not, I didn’t know today was Sunday until Sam confirmed it for me about an hour ago as he was on his way out to the door to Wal-Mart. When you’re retired the days of the week all start to look alike and run together. In our house the dialog goes something like this:

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Today’s Shit-O-Meter pain report reflects an improvement over Saturday, Sunday and Monday.

I’ll begin this post with a simple statement: FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! This is due to intense pain in my left heel — a combination of diabetic neuropathy, plantar fasciitis and another bleeding blister on the bottom — plus arthritis in both knees. I’m a complete mess right now, a fact that’s being underscored by a urinary tract infection with uncontrollable peeing and a low-grade fever. I’ve had the infection for more than a week already. Even though I have an appointment to see my primary on September 6, I don’t think I can wait that long for relief so Sam said he’d talk to her office for me today and be my advocate. My dilemma? I need an antibiotic prescription but there’s no way I can see the doctor sooner than September 6 because I have to reserve transportation on the Mesquite senior citizen transit bus TWO WEEKS IN ADVANCE!

Monday, August 21, 2017

Of course he did! Our Moron-in-Chief stared at the fucking sun during today’s solar eclipse.

Yo, howdy, hi-de-ho and how the hell are you? It’s Monday night here at Howdygram headquarters, and I have to make a ridiculous confession: I FORGOT ABOUT THE SOLAR ECLIPSE TODAY. The error came to my attention about an hour ago when I checked my Facebook page and saw selfies from damn near everybody I know — and all their relatives — with their nerd glasses on. Holy shit.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

I honestly didn’t know we had Confederate statues in Dallas.

Today’s Kvetch Report includes a list of physical complaints that I might not have mentioned before. To tell you the truth, this shit is getting weirder, more frequent and sometimes scarier than before. Here we go: 1) painful “charlie horse” muscle spasms in both hands and all ten fingers; 2) skin irritation on the back of both thighs requiring shmears of Balmex cream several times a day; 3) wheezy lungs after a nap; 4) severe muscle tremors in my extremities, tongue, lips and (no kidding) eyebrows; 5) diminished appetitite; 6) stuttering and difficulty speaking normal sentences; and 7) a craving for chopped liver.

Saturday, August 19, 2017

Know what’s scary? Wheezy lungs at midnight!

Whoa. I’m feeling COMPLETELY ZONED OUT this morning! I took my regular meds with 20 mg of Norco (as usual) and all of a sudden my head is spinning out of control. My complaints this morning? I’m STUTTERING, I can’t speak a simple sentence, my enunciation is off-the-charts weird, my tremors (a side effect of Gabapentin) have magnified tenfold and my entire body feels jittery. Oy, this is SO FUCKING WEIRD!

Thursday, August 17, 2017

Boy howdy! This year the Texas State Fair runs from September 29 through October 22.

Please don’t ask me to write about politics. I just can’t. And this includes anything with even a hint of Donald Trump or that fucking disgrace that just happened in Charlottesville. I will instead post: 1) my latest herd of new free fonts; and 2) tell you about this year’s competition for the 2017 Big Tex Choice Awards, featuring the latest deep-fried monstrosities at the Texas State Fair food court. I’ll start with the second topic first, okay?

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

I’m a huge fan of the Bolshevik revolution.

Howdy-do. It’s 2:45 Wednesday morning, Sam is in bed and I’ve decided to kill a couple of hours writing a post for the Howdygram, slugging Crystal Light raspberry green tea on ice and designing mugs for my store on Zazzle.com. Also a custom blanket for my best friend’s daughter’s baby shower next month in Chicago. (No, obviously I can’t go. Stop getting so hysterical.) Yesterday I spent most of the day designing greeting cards. It’s a full life, isn’t it?

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Something is amiss here. Sam is sleeping through a monster thunderstorm!

It’s a few minutes past 2 a.m. here, Sam is in bed and I’m SERIOUSLY UNWELL again! There’s no real pain, per se, but my overall complaints include: 1) chills; 2) body aches; 3) uncontrollable pishing every 45 minutes that even wakes me from a sound sleep; 4) migraine headaches due to complaint number three; 5) serious intestinal distress; and 6) a wet rash on several areas of my body that are none of your damn business. Therefore I just took my bedtime meds with 70 units of injected insulin, a pair of Imodium tablets, a juicy dose of Norco — doing my best to prolong the opioid epidemic! — and then poofed myself with Nystatin powder to kill that fucking rash already. Thank you for listening.

Friday, August 11, 2017

I love my life … with the exception of my left foot.

Hi-de-ho and happy Friday from Howdygram headquarters. However, I hope you don’t think that “headquarters” means we’ve got a bustling newsroom here ... because we don’t. We’ve just got one housebound senior citizen in a bathrobe — yours truly — eating leftover egg salad at 1:45 in the morning.

Friday, August 4, 2017

Costco is excellent about returns and refunds.

I know you’ll forgive me for not posting since last Saturday, especially after I list the reasons why. And here we go!

Saturday, July 29, 2017

The only time I’m really pain-free is on the chaise in the family room.

Happy Saturday morning to you and yours. It’s 7:30 a.m., and I’m slowly “coming back” from several very, very weird days on the chaise in the family room because I was in too goddamn much pain to sit or walk. I can’t believe how I’m deteriorating. Since my last post I’ve been dealing with the following issues: 1) severe pain in my left heel from diabetic neuropathy (30%) and twin bleeding blisters (70%); 2) knee pain; 3) burning skin on the back of my left thigh; 4) a urinary tract infection with a low-grade fever; 5) a hyperactive bladder that exploded every 60 minutes, 24 hours a day for three straight days; 6) migraine headaches after waking up to pish out of a sound sleep due to item #5; and 7) a hangnail. I’m sick of this shit. I’m exhausted, my sense of humor is in shreds and I have a craving for spaghetti and meatballs. No kidding.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Anybody know how to make flaming Baked Alaska?

Yo, people! This is the first time since Saturday that I’ve been steady enough to sit at my desk in the study for a couple of hours and type my freakin’ brains out. I’ve been dealing with all of the following health issues: 1) diabetic NEUROPATHY PAIN in my left foot that included my baby toe, arch and heel, plus electric shocks from the top of my foot that radiated into my ankle and shin; 2) a huge BLEEDING BLISTER on the heel of that same foot; 3) severe JOINT PAIN in my knees and elbows; 4) inexplicable major PISHING ACCIDENTS even though I’ve got two bathrooms and two portable commodes for convenient urination; and 5) MIGRAINE HEADACHES due to waking up out of a sound sleep four times in six hours with an exploding bladder. Oy!

Saturday, July 22, 2017

Chives! Sour cream! Bacon bits! Butter!

My sleep pattern is a fucking MESS. It’s almost 5 p.m. and I’m EXHAUSTED, but that’s because I only had slightly more than four hours of sleep yesterday and woke up at noon. I know I shouldn’t whine about this due to being retired and I can grab more sleep any time I want, but Sam and I are on completely different schedules right now like ships passing in the night. I also have some significant PAIN ISSUES to complain about today. Specifically, my tailbone aches, I’ve got burning skin on the inside of my left thigh and I’m having insane electric shock spasms in my toes and heels due to diabetic neuropathy. Also in my thighs. This is extremely horrible. And then I hear the news that serial felon O. J. Simpson convinced a parole board to release him from prison — FOR FUCK’S SAKE … WHY!? — and Senator John McCain has brain cancer.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

The Howdygram bids farewell to Martin Landau.

Shalom and howdy, everybody! It’s 5 o’clock Tuesday morning and I just finished prepping for this Howdygram post. This includes: 1) Googling images for today’s feature about Princess Anne; 2) organizing, cropping and framing the images mentioned in item one; 3) installing today’s free fonts on my iMac; 4) designing today’s free fonts sample list, especially “Diamond Monogram”; and 5) choosing and sizing today’s free digital background images, clipart and assorted doodads from Creative Market.

Sunday, July 16, 2017

At last … I’m getting a visiting foot doctor!

Howdy-do, people! We had a pleasant summery Saturday here at Howdygram headquarters yesterday, featuring surprise thunderstorms, unexpected cactus pears, a copious amount of pishing, an extremely nice lunch (details to follow), and — best of all — I’M GETTING A VISITING FOOT DOCTOR!

On Saturday afternoon I got a call from a home health agency that’s been asked to set up an appointment for me with a traveling foot doctor because I haven’t been able to visit a podiatrist’s office for routine care in more than three years.* I’m diabetic with severe peripheral neuropathy, and these diseases are nothing at which to sneeze, believe me! Please stay tuned for additional information but don’t hesitate to resume your normal routine in the meantime.

Thursday, July 13, 2017

I missed National French Fry Day. Don’t be mad at me.

Hi, people! Happy sweaty Thursday from the crew at Howdygram Tower in north Texas!

IN OTHER WORDS . . . And now I’d like to unravel a couple of possibly misleading statements from my lede. First, there’s no “crew” because I blog alone. (Practically everybody blogs alone, guys.) Second, there’s no “tower,” either … just a nice desk in a nice room in a nice house (kindly check out the photo that appears in the right sidebar). I also have a lot of nice desk doodads, including many pens and a pencil, a pencil cup, a fancy tape dispenser that holds two different kinds of tape in two different sizes, a brand-name stapler, a desk lamp with six lighting modes and a dimmer switch, a lot of small (8½" x 5½") lined tablets, a classy black genuine leather Kleenex box cover, sugar-free Hawaiian Punch singles-to-go, bottled water, my own personal microwave and a teeny fridge. Thank you.

Monday, July 10, 2017

A few more free fonts and a quick summary of Donald Trump at the G20 summit. With pictures!

Shalom and happy Monday morning from my house to yours! This may or may not be a very long Howdygram post, mostly because I haven’t decided what time I want to go to bed. It’s 2:35 a.m. right now, and I’m confused. Also thirsty.

Saturday, July 8, 2017

July is Ronald Colman Month on Turner Classic Movies. Woo-hoo!

Yo, shalom, and howdy-do from hot and sweaty north Texas! It’s 80° at 8 a.m. with an expected high of 95° by mid-afternoon and humidity in the range of 60%. The air will feel like a SWAMP. I can’t recall what this intense heat feels like nor do I want to open the front door to experience this shit for myself, as I’m perfectly content at my desk in an air-conditioned house, without shoes or a brassiere, drinking Crystal Light Peach-Mango tea. I FUCKING LOVE RETIREMENT.

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Senior citizens try to get a grip on the twenty-first century.

My project du jour, which I just finished, involved choosing and organizing cards for my 2018 birthday card list. I design my own greeting cards and order them from my store on Zazzle, mailing about 45 altogether throughout the year to relatives and friends. They’re fucking adorable even if I say so myself, and I’ve got some of the funniest cards on the Internet. I sell a lot of them. Of course I’d be even happier if YOU bought a few, but what the hell … do whatever you want, okay? Some of my designs appear below for your possible interest.

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Wishing y’all a happy Fourth!

Before I launch into one of my Howdygram rants about old age, a serious shortage of sugar-free cookies, U.S. politics or morons in the news — the latter two typically being the same fucking thing — I want to wish each and every one of you a safe and happy Independence Day with tons of hot dogs, potato salad and Popsicles. Yes, it’s always about the food! And if any of you are enjoying a big hoo-hah holiday fireworks display please email a few photos to me and I’ll post them in the Howdygram. Thank you.

Sunday, July 2, 2017

“At some point in the future we’re going to look back and say, how did we do it without space?”

Here’s wishing y’all a very happy Second of July, a day with no significance whatsoever unless you’re the poor slob who has to spend two hours in line at Wal-Mart buying hot dogs for the Fourth. As for Sam and me, we’ll just hang out at Howdygram headquarters with some fabulous old movies, Crystal Light peach/mango iced tea and my favorite guilty pleasure for lunch: Mountain House freeze-dried Spaghetti with Meat Sauce [read my review*] for housebound senior citizens who can’t stand up any more to cook things. Sure looks tasty, doesn’t it?

Thursday, June 29, 2017

I swear to God, Rick Perry is on drugs.

I want to start this post with a very special message for my husband, life partner and soul mate ...

Monday, June 26, 2017

Creative Cloud technology can get a little overwhelming for an old coot like yours truly.

It’s exactly 9 p.m. on a clammy Monday night here in Texas. Sam is unconscious in the family room with a John Wayne movie and I’ve decided to hang back in the study binge-reading a full day of aggravating news stories, 32 stupid emails — wow! incontinence supplies are on sale again at Allegro Medical! — and the Howdygram.

Saturday, June 24, 2017

Let’s watch an out-of-shape, spray-tanned orangutan try to play tennis.

Good morning, boys and girls! It’s just after 4 a.m. and I thought I’d get an early start on today’s post while another round of thunderstorms rolls through here. We’re not expecting any hail or tornadoes ... just lots of thunder, lightning, wind and VERY HEAVY RAIN, the latter of which we need desperately. Sam was out in the garage for a couple of hours with the overhead door open enjoying our big weather hoo-hah with a can of diet ginger ale but finally went to bed about 30 minutes ago. In case you’re interested, the white star on the following map denotes Howdygram headquarters. (You can’t see me waving because it’s extremely dark outside.)

Friday, June 23, 2017

I started taking Lasix again this morning. It’s a nuclear-powered diuretic.

Yo, guys! I honestly meant to write a Howdygram post for the last two days but got caught up with other activities … including all of the following.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Pay no attention to the blogger behind the curtain.

Seriously … remember the bombshell announcement in my last post about the demise of iFonts.xyz, the best free fonts website on earth that gave away other people’s valuable and expensive creative property? Well lo and behold, wow, forsooth and holy shit ... THEIR WEBSITE CAME BACK ONLINE TODAY and it was packed with so many new free fonts I almost had a brain hemorrhage! Therefore I’ll begin this post with my favorite section.

Friday, June 16, 2017

My favorite free fonts website is gone.

Hello and hi-de-ho from my house to yours! It’s 7:45 p.m. on a muggy Thursday night in Texas, Sam is attending the second (and final) session of a pleasant retirement planning seminar — he actually knows enough about investing to teach a course like this! — and I’m at home enjoying a bag of Mountain House freeze-dried Spaghetti with Meat Sauce for senior citizens who can’t stand up any more to cook things. When I finish my sack of spaghetti I’ll probably get back to my other passion … designing mugs, greeting cards, iPhone cases and miscellaneous whatnots for my own shop on Zazzle. By the way, if you’ve never visited The Howdygram Store you’re missing a terrific shopping experience. Thank you.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

I decided not to celebrate Catheterization Day.

Yesterday was a busy and unforgettable day at Howdygram headquarters. For your possible interest I participated in all of the following hoo-hahs.

Monday, June 12, 2017

I just discovered Instacart grocery service and can’t wait to give it a shot.

Happy Monday morning, boys and girls! It’s 2:25 a.m., Sam is in bed and I think I’m bored. I’m completely fed up with the news — hasn’t anybody impeached that fucker yet?! — and not sleepy enough to go to bed because I conked out in the family room after dinner and woke up about an hour ago. Oy. I’m upside-down again! Right now I’m parked in the study with a fistful of pills, my bedtime insulin injection and a bag of Mountain House’s brand new Homestyle Chicken Noodle Casserole, which I’ll review for you below.

Saturday, June 10, 2017

I haven’t worn a brassiere since 2012, but this is basically a secret so please don’t tell anybody.

It’s been a dismal, dark and thunderstormy day ever since we woke up this morning. As a matter of fact, by 6 a.m. Sam was already seated comfortably in the garage with a full pot of coffee and the overhead door open so he could watch a line of storms roll in from the northwest. Now that Sam’s retired it’s particularly rewarding when the neighbors start leaving for work because we don’t have to. We don’t even have to get dressed! As for me, I haven’t worn a brassiere since 2012, but this is basically a secret so please don’t tell anybody.

Friday, June 9, 2017

Fire up the DVR! There are lots of terrific movies on TCM this month.

As I write this post Sam and I are riveted by James Comey’s testimony before Congress via live streaming video on RawStory.com. This is GREAT STUFF, people, and if you’re not watching, you should be. This is just as good as the Watergate hearings from the early 1970s and probably even more significant. Be an involved American today and tune in, okay?

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Let’s hope a new national hero will emerge in 2017 to bring down the Trumps.

Shalom and hi-de-ho to you and yours! It’s a few minutes past 3 a.m. and I’m wide awake due to a full day of extended and consecutive naps on Monday. I wasn’t being a slug, per se … I was just doing my best to deal with some fucked-up pain issues (an official Shit-O-Meter readout appears below) and there’s only one way to do that: RECLINING ... with good drugs, Tic Tacs and Myrna Loy movies.

Sunday, June 4, 2017

Friday’s thunderstorms were epic. I could even hear my soup mugs vibrating in the kitchen.

Hey, everybody … I’VE GIVEN THE HOWDYGRAM A MAKEOVER! I’d been dicking around with a few design improvements all week and finally uploaded my new graphic files — the banner, sidebar titles, navigation links, etc. — on Friday afternoon while I waited for Sam to get home from his trip to Scottsdale. I think I did a mighty swell job with this hoo-hah, even if I say so myself. Please feel free to share your compliments here. (To send cash gifts please request our mailing address.) Thank you.

Thursday, June 1, 2017

I’m so fed up I want to drop-kick a bedpan through the window.

It’s still the first day of June and I’m still having “issues.” Pishing, of course. I’m so fed up I want to drop-kick a bedpan through the window. (Okay, not really. But I’m definitely fed up.) On all other fronts, however, this is shaping up to be a somewhat pleasant day. Sam is still in Scottsdale, and I’m staying out of trouble with another Howdygram post and a nice lunch. On today’s menu? A pouch of Mountain House freeze-dried Italian Style Pepper Steak with Rice and Tomatoes for handicapped senior citizens who can’t stand up long enough to cook real food any more. Just add boiling water!

Have you seen Tiger Woods’ mug shot?

I think it’s safe to assume that Tiger Woods is having a worse week than I am, health-wise, judging from his DUI arrest in Florida a couple of days ago. His mug shot (see below) — and now the dashcam video from his field sobriety test — have gone viral all over the Internet this morning. Poor Tiger wasn’t exactly drunk (his Breathalyzer test result was 0.00) but he was clearly impaired from a toxic brew of prescription meds that included Vicodin (an opioid for pain), muscle relaxants and other unnamed drugs. Tiger is still recovering from his fourth back surgery in April and a slew of other physical problems including weird baldness.

Sam is visiting his brother David, David’s adorable family and their adorable dog Buddy.

I thought it might be fun to welcome the first day of June with a nice Howdygram post. It’s not that I have a lot of big news or anything, but I feel like writing something … at 12:50 a.m. (Oy.)

Sunday, May 28, 2017

At the G7 meeting in Sicily our lazy slob of a president rode around in a goddamn golf cart.

After three consecutive days being seriously under the weather — most likely another urinary tract infection — I’m finally back at my desk in the study with a BRAND NEW REPLACEMENT MOUSE (details follow) and a cup of very tasty Crystal Light peach/mango green tea. I wish I had some ice but that’s another issue altogether.

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Our tree has bugs on it.

Yo, everybody. It’s 2:25 a.m., and I just woke up from a juicy extended nap and entertainment break in the family room that included an episode of “People’s Court,” Broadway Melody of 1940 starring Fred Astaire and Eleanor Powell, and the first 45 minutes of The Eddy Duchin Story (1956) starring Tyrone Power and Kim Novak, because at that point I had to get up and pish already.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Zazzle is advertising The Howdygram Store on MSN.com.

Happy Tuesday, boys and girls! I’ll try to remain cheerful as I write even though I’ve had a couple of shitty days this week, health-wise. I refer specifically to the following specific physical complaints, which are basically the same as Sunday’s: 1) screaming toes; 2) electric shocks in my left heel; 3) pain in both knees; 4) burning skin on the back of my thighs; 5) unexpected and frequent bladder explosions; and 6) feeling lightheaded. Put them all together and you feel like TOTAL CRAP. I’ll post my latest Shit-O-Meter readout for your possible interest.

Sunday, May 21, 2017

I highly recommend teeny microwaves.

Hello again. It’s 2:20 p.m. here in north Texas, and I just woke up about half an hour ago because I didn’t go to bed until 6 a.m., and nothing — neither Sam nor a noisy round of thunderstorms — woke me up. For lunch I just made myself a pouch of Mountain House freeze-dried Spaghetti with Meat Sauce, which is a perfect entree for senior citizens who can’t stand up any more to cook things, plus a tasty bottle of Crystal Light Peach Mango Green Tea. I buy their “singles to go” variety.

Saturday was a little rocky for me.

Hi, people, and happy Sunday morning from Howdygram headquarters! It’s 3:15 a.m. and I’ve been nursing a “bleeder” for the last two hours. TWO HOURS! When you take a blood thinner (Coumadin) even a teeny little nick with a cuticle scissors can turn into a scene from M*A*S*H ... and that’s exactly what’s going on here while I try to write this post. I guess I’ll have to wait until my finger stops gushing so I can bandage the goddamn thing and go to bed. I’ve already decided that tonight’s sleeping movie will be How to Marry a Millionaire (1953) starring Lauren Bacall, Marilyn Monroe and Betty Grable. It’s an all-time favorite of mine.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Waiting for tornadoes.

Yo from north Texas, everybody! We’ve got tornado watches all over the place here in the Dallas metro area right now with “a dangerous night ahead” forecast by the lying sacks of poo at Weather.com, who never seem to get it right. I don’t need any tornadoes, hurricanes, wind or hail, but we sure could use a few hours of nice, heavy rain to fill up the Lake Ray Hubbard reservoir in time for summer.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Times Roman makes me want to puke.

WEDNESDAY MORNING, 8:45 A.M. Hi-de-ho, friends. It’s a balmy morning, Sam is outside on the patio with a pot of coffee, and I’m in the study trying to adjust to using a new browser (Safari). Ever since our new iMacs were installed a few weeks ago I’d been experiencing a never-ending list of irritating issues with Firefox — frozen screens, videos that don’t play, URLs that refuse to load, etc. — so when Sam told me he read recently that Firefox is no longer compatible with the latest Mac OS I finally knew it was time for me to move on. So I’m trying to work with Safari.

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Sam and I can’t accept the agonizing reality that an orangutan is living in the White House.

Hi, people. I wanted to unwind for a while with the Howdygram because it’s been another crazy national news day and my brain is completely fried. The big headline of the moment ... apparently Trump blabbered top secret intelligence information to the Russian spies he hosted last week in the Oval Office. You know, just to show off. The entire world is on high alert because of Donald Trump’s incompetence, and he proves his critics right — once again — this time by trying to impress RUSSIAN SPIES!

Monday, May 15, 2017

I wasted a whole Sunday. God, it was wonderful.

I’m back, after practically sleeping through (and wasting) a whole Sunday. Mostly I was conked out on the chaise in the family room, which is the best damn spot in the house, watching movies with ice water and Sam, not necessarily in that order.

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Sayonara, thank you for reading this and remember the Alamo.

Before I forget, the Howdygram would like to wish y’all a very happy Mother’s Day in case you’re a mother, an expectant mother, a grandmother, or just have a uterus that’s ready for action. In your honor I even invented the following tasteful graphic and uploaded a similar version to my Facebook page. So I definitely think I’ve covered all the angles for Mother’s Day, am I right?

Friday, May 12, 2017

I’ve been dicking around with the Howdygram again.

It’s a beautiful Friday morning here at Howdygram headquarters, and Sam just unpacked the new LED desk lamp that I ordered from Amazon. IT’S GORGEOUS. For your possible interest here’s a photo with all of the best features labeled with neat little arrows. Sam said he’d plug it in for me next time I’m away from my desk, such as when I take my shower or a nap. Believe it or not, I actually plan to do BOTH within the next half hour or so!

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Sean Spicer is a national joke representing a national disgrace. He should have resigned three months ago.

TUESDAY MORNING. About an hour ago — around 2 a.m., I think — I woke up from a nap in the family room ... with VERTIGO. No kidding, people, the entire room was spinning in a tastefully-decorated clockwise circle and nothing would stop it. I sat up on the side of the chaise lounge and tried to get my bearings, but after 20 minutes of this I started to feel nauseated from the constant motion and had to lean over sideways to rest my head. I eventually made it to the bathroom for a middle-of-the-night senior citizen bladder party and then into the study, which is where I am right now. The vertigo is still coming back every few minutes and I’M NOT HAPPY ABOUT THIS. Maybe I’ll feel better with a large dose of Norco and some Cheetos.

Monday, May 8, 2017

In case you’re interested, I spill things and I bleed.

I thought I started a Howdygram post last night before I finally went to bed at 4 a.m., but apparently I was wrong. So I’ll start one NOW instead. Yee-haw!

Friday, May 5, 2017

It’s time once again for our beloved annual mayonnaise festival. Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Shalom y’all, and HAVE A SWELL AND MERRY CINCO DE MAYO from your friends at Howdygram headquarters. The following celebration graphic says it all!

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Frankly, you can never have too many woodland animals.

Shalom, good morning and happy Tuesday to you and yours. It’s 3:15 a.m., and for a pleasant change of pace I’ve got Sam here in the study with me! He’s wide awake with a fresh pot of coffee, feeling the after-effects of too many long naps on Monday, and I’m enjoying my usual upside-down “night owl” schedule. Deal with it, okay?

Friday, April 28, 2017

The Howdygram Store is selling my adorable greeting cards like goddamn hotcakes.

Sometimes I think weirdness is the only constant at Howdygram headquarters. For instance, I had a doctor’s appointment on Tuesday afternoon that I had to cancel at the very last minute — and I mean this LITERALLY — due to not being able to get into the car. I just couldn’t lift my left leg high enough ... sixteen fucking inches! I was so disappointed I wanted to cry. Sam called Dr. M’s office while I was still twisting around in the garage and told the scheduling desk that I wouldn’t be there ... and why.

Sunday, April 23, 2017

My Potato Express was a knock-off from China and I only paid 98¢ for the damn thing.

Happy Sunday, boys and girls. It’s been strange around here today! This morning shortly after breakfast — which included teeny White Castle Cheeseburgers and a large volume of sugar-free lemonade — I got dizzy and slightly nauseated and wound up on the chaise in the family room, where I passed out for FOUR HOURS. (I’m convinced that the dizzy/nausea hoo-hah is related to a lot of morning meds on a very empty stomach.) When I woke up at 1:30 the only thing I wanted was a hot shower, a fluffy shampoo and a nice clean nightie.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Adobe fonts were unbelievably expensive in the 1980s. A lot like buying lox.

Hey. Hi, everybody. It’s 4 a.m. and I’m totally jazzed and wide awake in the middle of the night, probably because Sam and I both conked out in the family room after dinner and slept for about four hours. When I woke up at 1 a.m. I decided to migrate into the study to horse around with my brand new iMac ... and I’m still horsing around.

Friday, April 21, 2017

I tweezed my eyebrows today.

Following seven-and-a-half hours of glorious, uninterrupted sleep last night, it’s my pleasure to welcome y’all to the Howdygram. Know what? I’m always amazed by how swell a person can feel after a good night’s sleep! And instead of shlepping myself directly into the study to check email and take my standard handful of morning meds, I chose instead to start my day (at 11:45 a.m.) with a nice hot shower, my favorite body wash, a fluffy shampoo and a fresh bathrobe. I EVEN TWEEZED MY EYEBROWS. I love being retired!

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Our new iMacs are here. I’m so excited I can’t stand it.

Hi, boys and girls. I’ve been trying to write a Howdygram post for three days but it’s been difficult getting started, and I honestly can’t figure out WHY. I guess I was feeling emotionally droopy, generally blah and not very energetic. Incidentally, to those of you who panicked that I got sick again and landed back in the hospital, please calm down. I’m fine.

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Remember Bernie Madoff? I hope his teeth fall out the day before Thanksgiving.

It’s Easter Sunday, 2:45 a.m., Sam is asleep and I’m enjoying Hormel Compleats meatloaf and mashed potatoes with tasty brown gravy because my stomach was really empty and Hormel’s little airplane-sized meals are just enough to fill me up in the middle of the night. Personally, I think this is the best variety Hormel makes ... not counting their chili with beans.

Friday, April 14, 2017

How come Jesus illustrations always make him look like the guy who rotates your tires at Pep Boys?

Good morning, boys and girls. With our Liar-in-Chief dropping the Mother of All Bombs in Afghanistan — what the fuck?! — and threatening a nuclear attack on North Korea, I’ve decided to spend a great deal of time today watching William Powell as The Thin Man and creating a pile of adorable greeting cards for The Howdygram Store. Reality is just a little “too real” right now and it’s scaring the shit out of me.  Please raise your hand if you think Twitter should shut down this asshole’s account!

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

I’ve got the best husband on earth.

I forgot to use an important graphic in yesterday’s Howdygram post so I thought I’d take care of that omission right now.

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Greetings from the land of flying ravioli.

Good morning. It’s 4:25 a.m. and I’m covered head-to-toe in Chef Boyardee mini ravioli. I didn’t do this on purpose, of course. I was trying to consume a ridiculously late dinner that I had to skip eight hours ago due to getting food stuck in my throat, but this time the problem was SEVERE TREMORS in my hands, wrists and fingers. I was eating, carefully, and trying to hold onto that cute Chef Boyardee microwaveable cup when my wrist jerked. Everything landed in the lap of my nightgown except for two ravioli and a shpritz of meat sauce, which sailed onto the memory foam floor mat under my desk.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Sam, David and Aunt Adie demonstrate the world-famous “Sam wave.”

I am fucking miserable right now. FUCKING MISERABLE. Frankly, this might be the worst day I’ve ever had for pain in the history of America. And here’s my official and completely scientific Shit-O-Meter readout to prove it.

Monday, March 27, 2017

I’m probably the only person in history who gets blisters on the bottom of her feet from sleeping.

Good morning from north Texas, y’all, where we’re expecting a high today of 86° with a shitload of sunshine. This would be acceptable summer weather anywhere in the world, but here in Texas it’s still very early spring, so I’d be willing to bet we’re our way to record-breaking heat this year. Not necessarily hotter than usual ... but a lot more 100°+ days.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

I don’t know any of the neighbors well enough to request a foot examination.

A new day, a new crisis. Remember when I mentioned “intense heel pain” in the opening paragraph of yesterday’s Howdygram post? I assumed it was diabetic peripheral neuropathy, but it wasn’t. I’VE GOT A BLEEDING BLISTER! Bleeding! I discovered it about an hour ago in the study when I kicked off my slippers and the fabric was covered in blood. HOLY MOTHER OF CRAP. I can’t examine the wound for myself due to zero flexibility, and I don’t know any of the neighbors well enough to request a foot examination while Sam is in California cavorting with his BFF.

Friday, March 24, 2017

I can’t be funny when I feel like shit.

I’ve got a yooge revelation for you, boys and girls: I CAN’T BE FUNNY WHEN I FEEL LIKE SHIT. For the last seven days the skin on the back of my thighs felt like it was burned with a blow torch, and whenever this happens — more often than I care to admit — absolutely NOTHING makes me comfortable. Not even White Castle cheeseburgers or a few extra doses of Norco. The cause of all this is DIABETIC PERIPHERAL NEUROPATHY, the same crap that: 1) makes my toes scream; 2) shoots intense pain through my left heel and “electric shocks” down the outside of my thighs; and 3) turns my hands and fingers numb. I’m presently experiencing all of the above.

Friday, March 17, 2017

Don’t eat Wal-Mart pizza and look out for fleas. Thank you.

Hi-de-ho, everybody, and welcome to the Howdygram! I have some REALLY YUGE NEWS this morning, so pop open a nice can of Diet Sunkist and let’s get started, okay?

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Holy moly. I just had a brainstorm!

Happy Thursday morning, people. It’s 6 a.m. and I haven’t been to bed yet. This really isn’t as wretched as it sounds, however, because I enjoy being up all night to horse around at the computer designing things. This time it was more greeting cards, a couple of mugs and fresh category graphics for The Howdygram Store. I also spent quite a few hours organizing a treasure of new high-resolution digital backgrounds and textures that I bought from a designers’ website called Design Cuts ... it’s a gigantic bundle of 2,400 images (53 separate collections) for only $26. (Priced separately they would total more than $2,000.) Holy crap! THIS IS DELICIOUS!

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

I’ve been dicking around with the Howdygram again.

It’s 4:15 Wednesday morning here at Howdygram headquarters and I haven’t been to bed yet, although for four solid hours (from 10:30 last night till 2:30 a.m.) I was sprawled out on the chaise in the family room watching and sleeping through a couple of my favorite movies, namely The Rains Came (1939) starring George Brent, Tyrone Power and Myrna Loy, and The Seven Year Itch (1955) starring Tom Ewell and Marilyn Monroe.

Saturday, March 11, 2017

I’ll gladly provide more information on a need-to-know basis.

Yo from Howdygram headquarters! It’s a spectacular and balmy springtime afternoon that’s bursting with sunshine ... and once again I’m at my desk in the study with a bowl of Campbell’s chicken noodle soup that definitely isn’t hot enough, but what the hell. Also some saltine crackers.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

One of my favorite human beings has died.

Holy crap, I really didn’t mean to do this again. It’s been FIVE WHOLE DAYS since my last post! I haven’t been sick, thank God, just all wrapped up in my other favorite addiction ... namely, creating new greeting cards for The Howdygram Store. Here are three of my latest designs for your possible interest. There are 14 new cards in all and I’m still uploading the artwork, writing descriptions, choosing keywords and so on. This is a tedious — but seriously BIG FUN — process.

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Guess who signed on for season 24 of ABC’s “Dancing with the Losers.”

I promised a medical update when my lab results were ready, remember? In a word, they turned out REALLY SWELL (okay, two words) and I’d like to share the highlights with you and yours before I forget.

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Bill Pullman isn’t dead.

Happy Tuesday morning, boys and girls! It’s 7:20 a.m. and Sam is on his way to work as I write this post ... his first day at a BRAND NEW JOB after four glorious months of rest and downtime at home. This is the first new job he’s had in more than 12 years and (with any luck) it will be his LAST. Sam actually considers this to be semi-retirement, with a return to commercial printing, no stress and normal daytime hours.

Sunday, February 26, 2017

Please let me make your protest signs, okay?

As February winds down I realize this has NOT been a swell month for writing Howdygram posts, mostly due to a number of distractions and miscellaneous issues that had to take precedence. These have included: 1) designing greeting cards for The Howdygram Store; 2) trying not to have a nervous breakdown about the fascist slob residing in the White House; 3) sleeping and/or watching a large number of old movies; and 4) finding local protest events for Sam — he’s part of the “resistance” movement now — and designing appropriate signs he can wave at the TV cameras. For your possible interest, today at 3 p.m. Sam will be protesting Congress’ threat to repeal the ACA at Representative Jeb Hensarling’s office in north Dallas. Here are the three signs I made for today’s event.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Trump’s first 30 days were punctuated by fuck-ups, failures and meaningless campaign promises.

It’s 1:30 Tuesday morning, but I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to sit at my desk typing right now because I’ve got a miserably high fever and I feel like CRAP. In case you’re interested my fever is 101.2°. “Normal” for me is around 96°, which means 101.2° is really HIGH. Also: 1) my joints and muscles are killing me; 2) I’m sweaty and hot as an iron; and 3) I have zero bladder control. ZERO! If that’s too much information please figure out how to deal with it. Thank you.

Sunday, February 19, 2017

Introducing “Tiny Trump” ... let’s all laugh at our Asshole-in-Chief!

Know what? It’s 5:15 Saturday afternoon and Sam is unwell. We’re not exactly sure what’s wrong with him aside from a low body temperature (96.5°), tired feet and overall fatigue, so he ate a fresh grapefruit cup from Costco and decided to treat himself to a nap in the family room. As for yours truly, I’m here in the study with the Howdygram and a bowl of Manischewitz canned matzo ball soup ... and I’ve got a few of my own health issues, such as: 1) a full-blown TASTE DISORDER due to diabetic neuropathy where everything I eat tastes like fucking cardboard; 2) an INTESTINAL DISTURBANCE; and 3) very bad BURNING SKIN PAIN on the back of both thighs because I forgot to ask my resident caregiver (i.e., Sam) to apply barrier cream after my shower this morning. It’s extremely uncomfortable to sit at my desk right now and, as a result, I might have to shlep back to the chaise in the family room and watch a Myrna Loy movie. It’s always something, isn’t it?

Friday, February 17, 2017

I’m almost too damn drugged to walk.

Yo. I thought I’d take a few minutes to start a Howdygram post even though I’m not having much luck keeping my eyes open. I’ve been drooping from side to side at my desk for the last hour or so, and it mostly feels like I’m almost unconscious. I don’t understand this. I woke up this afternoon at 3 after seven very solid hours of sleep, and the time at the tone will be 6:05 p.m. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

I never turn down anything that I don’t have to pay for.

Hope y’all are having a rootin’-tootin’ Friday! It’s 2:35 a.m., Sam is asleep and I’m polishing off a nice cold Diet Sunkist in a plastic cup. It’s a wonderful life.

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Trump didn’t want the White House press corps to watch him play golf on Saturday. So guess what he did!

I started writing a Howdygram post overnight and just lost ALL OF IT. Holy shit, I’m devastated. I was about 80% finished, and everything is gone now! I guess I’ll have to start over and try to remember what I was writing about ... which won’t be easy, because I can’t even remember what I just ate for breakfast. I HATE THIS.

Saturday, February 11, 2017

Now, more than ever ... I totally hate my goddamn feet.

Please, please, please ... don’t yell at me! I took a short break from the Howdygram this week to revamp The Howdygram Store on Zazzle because business has been picking up — like really a LOT — and I wanted to reorganize my product listings with a few new categories and subcategories and redesign my store banner. Once you get started with a hoo-hah like this you can’t stop until you’re done, and it actually took six days to wrap it up. I’m not completely through tweaking yet, but I missed the Howdygram so much I decided to write a post tonight before I go to bed.

Sunday, February 5, 2017

You should check out the savings with Consumer Cellular.

It really wasn’t my plan not to write Howdygram posts for the last few days, so I’ll explain what happened in two words: I GOT SICK. (Okay, three words. Get over it.) I had — and still have — a fever, an seriously over-active bladder situation, an intestinal hoo-hah, lots of body aches and overall muscle pain. Sam, of course, has been taking care of me. At the moment it’s 4 o’clock Sunday morning and he’s on his way from the kitchen with a hot vat of oatmeal. We’d both been trying to conk out since midnight with no luck whatsoever, and I even watched two of my favorite “sleeping” movies back-to-back — Yours, Mine and Ours (1968) with Henry Fonda and Lucille Ball, and Murder at the Gallop (1963) with Margaret Rutherford — but I never even closed my eyes! So here I am at my desk in the study with a can of Diet Sunkist, the Howdygram, oatmeal and you. It’s a full life, isn’t it?

Thursday, February 2, 2017

Sam brought home dinner from Eatzi’s. We ate like we hadn’t seen food for a month.

Hello, shalom, hi-de-ho and happy Thursday morning from Howdygram headquarters! It’s my plan to be asleep on the chaise in the family room within the next 60 minutes so I’ll have to type like a maniac to squeeze everything into this post as fast as I can. You might also need to know that I’m still recovering from a bout of overall ill health, a statement that includes all of the following complaints: 1) arthritis pain in my knees; 2) watery eyes; 3) a substantial fever above 99°; 4) burning skin issues on the back of both thighs; and 5) rather serious neuropathy pain in the heel of my left foot and also three toes. (The other two toes feel fine. It’s sweet of you to worry about them.)

Sunday, January 29, 2017

Wedding products are The Howdygram Store’s biggest sellers. Go figure.

It’s 3:45 Sunday morning and the Internet is on fire with a unified and desperate shout to IMPEACH DONALD TRUMP ... and the voices are coming from every corner of society, including — surprisingly — lots of Americans who actually voted for this freak. It’s only been eight days since his pathetic inauguration ... and I’M READY TO DUMP TRUMP RIGHT NOW. Raise your hand if you agree, okay? Yesterday was Holocaust Memorial Day, and Donald Trump decided to commemorate the event by not mentioning Jews in his proclamation and then banning refugees and Muslims from entering the United States. This is the first time in my life I’ve ever been embarrassed to be an American. Holy shit, Donald Trump and the people around him are a pack of FASCISTS!

Saturday, January 28, 2017

Sarah Palin, the end of an error.

Hello, shalom, yo, how’s the family, hi-de-ho and happy Saturday morning from Howdygram headquarters! You will surely be pleased to note that I finally flipped myself into a normal sleeping pattern and woke up today at 9:15 after half a dozen pleasant hours of uninterrupted overnight sleep. Holy crap, right? And waking up early-ish also affords me the opportunity to eat a favorite breakfast ... Hormel Compleats Real Meatloaf with Nice Mashed Taters and Tan Sauce! This is amazing!

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Outrageously happy is an excellent thing to be.

I love my life, people, and being retired has some outstanding perks and benefits. These include: 1) sleeping and eating whenever the hell I want to; 2) spending all day dicking around with the Howdygram and nobody tells me to stop it and do something else; 3) I have no problem whatsoever being immobile with shitty knees because I love being housebound with Sam, my leather chaise and our new 60-inch TV; and 4) I haven’t worn a brassiere since 2011.

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Sam is our official political activist now.

Hi, people. It’s 2:15 Wednesday morning and I’m wide awake at my desk in the study, eating crunchy stuff from Wal-Mart while I try to deal with nasal congestion, drippy eyes and a raging asshole in the White House. I have a hunch I’ll overcome a couple of these issues a lot easier than the third one. I’m just saying.

Monday, January 23, 2017

Take two comedies and call me in the morning.

It’s been a while since my last serious Kvetch Report. Even though my overall chronic pain level has been unusually low for the last few weeks — and sometimes even nonexistent — tonight I’m dealing with a fever, a urinary tract infection that looks like a Louisiana bayou and uncontrollable urges to pish with no advance warning whatsoever. I feel like CRAP. When I checked my temperature about half an hour ago it was 99°, and that’s high for me because “normal” is usually around 96°. Please feel free to send me some chicken soup with a minimum of two matzo balls and a large container of sugar-free lemon Jell-O. Thank you for your support.

Saturday, January 21, 2017

Did Donald Trump dance with Caitlyn Jenner at the inaugural ball last night?

A picture’s worth a thousand words, right?
And now for a few brief and important news bulletins!

Friday, January 20, 2017

Sam is at Dealey Plaza right now, getting ready for his first-ever protest hoo-hah.

I’m still dicking around with the Howdygram. Thursday afternoon I changed the wood background in the banner (again) and in the matching copyright section at the bottom of the right sidebar. A few more changes will show up tomorrow ... if I can stay awake long enough. This doesn’t make any sense whatsoever, because I had nine hours of sleep overnight but never really snapped out of it. An hour after I woke up I was ready to lie down again. I’m upside-down.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

“Here lies the body of one Millard Frymore ...”

I’m pleased to report that my bedtime meds definitely deliver a wallop. Aside from two antidepressants — Trazodone and Amitriptyline — that I take as a sleep aid and a pain reliever, respectively, a large dose of Gabapentin for diabetic neuropathy, Metoprolol to slow my heart rate, and Warfarin (a blood thinner), I also take a couple of Norco tablets just for the hell of it. It’s 3 a.m. and at the moment I’m feeling screwy, very creative, strangely hungry and stoned out of my mind. God, this is WONDERFUL. Thank you for putting up with me!

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Donald J. Trump has a replacement for Obamacare: “Insurance for Everybody.”

Happy Tuesday night from the Howdygram to you and yours! Sam is in bed and I’m at my desk in the study, noshing on seriously tasteless Wal-Mart store-brand potato chips and an ice cold Diet Sunkist. Life is good. Also I’ve got a lot of exciting news, regular features and general tidbits to share with y’all. Oh boy, right? Let’s get started!

Monday, January 16, 2017

Sunday night’s weather was a real humdinger.

There were THREE HUGE NEWS STORIES at Howdygram headquarters on Sunday, which I’ll present to you below in neatly subtitled paragraphs.

Saturday, January 14, 2017

Please remember the Alamo tonight after you floss, okay?

Sam and Josh went “gallavanting” today. Due to inclement weather — i.e., an ice storm — in Oklahoma they had to skip their excursion to the Choctaw Casino in favor of sleeping late and a bowl of oatmeal followed by a driving tour of nearby cattle country, which is practically across the street. The following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; and B) cattle ranches. Seriously, I wouldn’t kid you about cattle ranches.

North Texas is shrouded in dense fog tonight. I think we should order a pizza!

Hello and happy Saturday morning from Howdygram headquarters. It’s just past 3 a.m., Sam and Josh are both asleep, and I’m killing a little time until my bedtime meds kick in and knock me out. It won’t be long now. When I start drifting off, therefore, please feel free to stop reading and do a crossword puzzle.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Trump’s Wednesday press conference was a disaster for America’s free press.

I wanted to go to bed about an hour ago but I’m postponing it because I can’t belch and it feels like I’m having a heart attack. Sam and I enjoyed Chipotle chicken burritos for dinner last night — we love them! — but six hours later mine is still sitting in my stomach like an anvil. Maybe I ate too fast. In the meantime I’m slugging a Diet Sunkist soda with a weird expression on my face and waiting for relief. Stay tuned for a digestion update.

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

I’ll bet you’re old enough for our senior discount!

Happy Wednesday morning to you and yours! It’s 12:03 a.m., Sam is conked out in the family room pretending to watch Rachel and the Stranger (1948) starring Loretta Young and William Holden, and I’m ensconced here in the study with all kinds of compelling news for you ... such as free fonts, new background graphics, a billion exciting senior discounts, our seven-day weather forecast, and — best of all — I’m ready to make FANCY DEVILED EGGS this afternoon! So let’s get started, shall we?

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Messala was here last night trying to rob our house.

Hi-de-ho from Texas, people. I’m not exactly sure if I feel motivated enough to write a meaningful Howdygram post so maybe I’ll just ramble for a while and see where it leads me. In case you’re interested in a brief Kvetch Report, at the moment I’m experiencing: 1) a slight fever; 2) a mild headache; 3) an itchy back especially in the center; and 4) hunger for something other than the weirdo Veggie Straws with Sea Salt that I’ve been gnawing for the last half-hour, which aren’t salty enough for my taste buds and not very filling. To cheer myself up I might nuke a Hormel Compleats Turkey & Mock Dressing with Beige Sauce. Yes!

Saturday, January 7, 2017

Spring returns on Monday. I wonder where Sam hid my sandals.

I need to report that it’s 17° outside — SEVENTEEN STINKING DEGREES! — with a wind chill that drops it down to 9°. This is uncommonly frigid for Texas, believe me. Winter here is rarely below freezing; 9° is downright ridiculous. Fortunately this won’t last very long, as illustrated by the following screen shot from Weather.com. Spring returns on Monday. I wonder where Sam hid my sandals.

Friday, January 6, 2017

Sugar-free Almonettes cookies with sugar-free Pillsbury chocolate fudge frosting. Oh my God.

This hasn’t been an easy morning for me. I’ve been awake since 4 a.m. wrestling with various obnoxious, severe and unrelenting pain issues, including burning skin on the back of both thighs, a hideous rash and a pressure in my chest because I had to belch. (Seriously.) To keep myself distracted I’m reading a lot of baloney on the Internet, downloading more free fonts (check them out in the next section), drinking diet ginger ale and eating Cheetos two at a time. CHEETOS SOLVE EVERYTHING.

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Burned American cheese tastes better than raw American cheese.

There’s a strong chance this will be a short Howdygram post because I don’t have anything special to write about, I’m not feeling particularly creative and I actually feel quite uncomfortable sitting at my desk in study due to burning pain on the back of my thighs. It’s fucking impossible to be funny when you’re waiting for Norco to kick in! But that’s likely to change at any moment. Or maybe not. I’m rambling.

Monday, January 2, 2017

Costco sells hard-boiled eggs.

Monday night, 9 p.m., just finished dinner. Nothing fancy. A couple of nice frozen chicken things on pita bread from Costco. With cheese. And now maybe somebody can explain why I sound like Sergeant Joe Friday from “Dragnet.”

Sunday, January 1, 2017

Trump says he has a secret trusted advisor on cyber security and Russian hacking.

Don’t look now ... but 2016 finally ground to a halt last night! I’m 65, and I’m positive that this was the most exhausting, revolting, emotionally-draining year I can ever remember ... even taking into account 1986 (finding out I had uterine cancer) and 1995 (divorcing my first husband). Therefore, in light of the obvious obstacle to happiness in the year ahead — i.e., Donald J. Trump, unless we can impeach the jerk by mid-February — I will instead wish each of you, and yours, a tolerable 2017. If we can squeak by with “tolerable” maybe I’ll finally be able to digest my food again.