The Great December Pee-Pee Incident and other Wednesday night distractions.

Yup, it’s me again, but this time I have no yooge news stories, no major health issues to report, no pressing political bullshit, no shopping adventures — not counting a cool new font that I actually paid real money for — and no pictures to share. In other words, this Howdygram post is about ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I am the Jerry Seinfeld of bloggers!

Here for your possible interest are three new fonts I added to my collection today. The first two are free; the third one, Circle Monograms, cost $19.95 from Font Bros. I had to have this one. Seriously. It lets you create two- and three-letter round monograms with white or reverse backgrounds. Wow, right? I’ll include links below the graphic in case you want to acquire these for yourself or a loved one. Remember ... fonts would make terrific stocking stuffers if you could figure out how the fuck to wrap them!

Are You Freakin’ Serious • The Last Time • Harold’s Circle Monograms

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I thought you might enjoy Gawker’s highly entertaining and deeply disturbing video montage of the worst moments from the 2016 Republican clown car debates. No kidding, I’ll throw myself in front of a city bus if any of these assholes ever gets within six blocks of the White House. Frightening.

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Please forgive me. I LIED. Even though I told you at the top of this post that I had no major health issues to report, all of a sudden — less than five minutes ago — there has been an earth-shaking development: I JUST DETECTED BLOOD IN MY PEE. It’s easy to spot, believe me, and the following graphic shows you how.

According to information on three of my favorite websites — Drugs.com, WebMD.com and MayoClinic.org —there are a number of possible causes for hematuria, which is the fancy-ass medical term for bloody pee-pee.

1. A urinary tract infection.
2. A kidney infection.
3. Kidney stones.
4. An enlarged prostate.
5. Sickle cell anemia
6. Strenuous exercise.
7. A side effect from medication.

We can eliminate numbers 3, 4, 5 and 6 immediately since I have no pain, I have no prostate, I am not African-American and I’m a handicapped senior citizen with mobility issues who can’t stand up long enough to microwave a corn dog, respectively. The only likely causes, therefore, are numbers 1, 2 and 7.

Just between us, I’ve been battling a verifiable urinary tract infection for several weeks now, so it’s entirely likely that I’ve progressed from an annoying urgency to TERRIFYING TECHNICOLOR PISH. In addition, I take the blood thinner Coumadin, and hematuria is listed as a possible side effect.

Thank God that technicolor pee looks worse than it actually is. I have an appointment to see Dr. M early next week and I’m positive we’ll get this under control with a fuckton of antibiotics. Stay tuned for further developments but please feel free to continue your normal routine in the meantime. Thank you.

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It’s 8 p.m. and time for a nice hot shower and movies. I need to distract myself from The Great December Pee-Pee Incident and a few other ongoing difficulties that include a bleeding heat rash and those goddamn horrible pressure ulcers on the back of my thighs. Nothing works better than a good William Powell movie, trust me.