We’re commemorating the first anniversary of our Lowe’s water heater.

It’s 3:30 Monday morning as I write this post. Sam is in bed, I’m enjoying a teeny bottle of Coke Zero from the mini fridge here in the study and there’s a large band of ice cold rain passing across north Texas. In case you’re interested, my agenda for the coming week includes all of the following activities: 1) deciding whether or not to order corn dogs from Schwan’s on Wednesday; 2) rescheduling last week’s Coumadin blood test because the clinic was closed for several days due to the parking lot being a sheet of ice and they didn’t wany anybody breaking their neck; 3) making birthday cards for a few relatives; and 4) commemorating the first anniversary of our new Lowe’s water heater. This will involve party hats, cupcakes, a tray of sandwiches from Costco and flushing the tank in case there’s any sediment.

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Incidentally, people, I want to share TWO VERY IMPORTANT THINGS with you.

VERY IMPORTANT THING NUMBER ONE. I fucking LOVE my awesome new narcotic painkiller — hydrocodone — and I plan to continue taking it three times a day for the rest of my life and anybody who tries to stop me will get knocked unconscious with my cane. After the first week I’m pleased to report I’ve got ZERO SIDE EFFECTS and THE PAIN IN MY LEGS, FEET AND KNEES IS WAY, WAY DOWN. I feel so much better I almost can’t believe it.

VERY IMPORTANT THING NUMBER TWO. Please note that Sam and I had our home landline telephone number disconnected last week [see earlier post] after we finally reached the breaking point with robo calls, telemarketers and credit investigators trying to find a useless slug named Rachel who hasn’t paid her bills for the last eight years. Henceforth and hereafter, if you need to reach us by phone you’ll have to call our cell numbers ... so PLEASE SEND ME AN EMAIL RIGHT AWAY IF YOU DON’T HAVE THEM. (My cell number is brand new and so is my phone. It’s maroon!)

And that, as they say, is a wrap! It’s 6 a.m. and a mighty fine opportunity to finally drag myself to bed before it’s time for breakfast and I get distracted by eating things. Thank you for reading this.