Rick Perry believes that poor, freedom-loving Texans are proud not to have health insurance.

I just had the shittiest night’s sleep of my entire life. THE ABSOLUTE SHITTIEST. I went to bed this morning at 4:30 a.m. and laid there gasping for air — it almost felt like a panic attack — for two and a half miserable hours until I finally got up about 15 minutes ago. It’s 7:20. I’m not feeling happy, perky, peppy or glad to be alive. Instead, I’m just going to nurse on a teeny bottle of Coke Zero from the mini-fridge and swallow my morning meds. DON’T TRY TO STOP ME, EITHER. As soon as I can muster up some energy I will drag my ass into the kitchen to look for food. I want breakfast and I WANT IT NOW. (Thank you.)

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The Howdygram is pleased to present its latest Putz of the Week award, this time to a repeat honoree and 2013’s official Putz of the Year. I refer to none other than Rick “Hairdo” Perry, the former governor of Texas, who’s been traveling between Iowa and New Hampshire as he gears up to lose the Republican presidential primary for a second time. For the purpose of this Putz of the Week award I’ll highlight Perry’s remarks to the New Hampshire Journal on the subject of health insurance and why he’s so proud that NEARLY ONE-FOURTH OF HIS STATE IS UNINSURED. Yup. I wouldn’t joke about this, people.

In his interview Perry said, “Texas has been criticized for having a large number of uninsured, but that’s what Texans wanted. They did not want a large government program forcing everyone to purchase insurance.”

Perry, of course, won’t acknowledge that nearly all of the uninsured in Texas are living below the poverty line and would have qualified for Medicaid, which is ABSOLUTELY FREE and doesn’t require recipients to purchase a damn thing. He turned down Medicaid funding because it was a gift from that Communist foreigner in the White House AND REAL TEXANS FIGHT AGAINST HEALTH INSURANCE TYRANNY. Perry is also pretty sure that free Medicaid is forbidden in the U.S. Constitution, which Jesus wrote with George Washington.

So here’s my question to Rick Perry. Do you really expect the rest of America to believe that the poorest Texans — most of whom are single mothers and minorities working multiple part-time jobs to survive — are gladly sacrificing their health and the health of their loved ones because they share your warped, neo-Confederate hatred of President Obama? And if health insurance equals tyranny, HOW COME THE RICH AND MIDDLE CLASS ALL HAVE IT!? You dumbass.

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Thank you for reading this. I’ll be back after my morning nap.