Thursday, January 11, 2018

The inside of our garage is an office chair graveyard.

Greetings and salutations from north Texas, where it’s dark, dreary, 42° and shrouded in fog. This is the kind of aggravating weather that makes housebound senior citizens such as yours truly want to beat their indoor plants to death with a cane. Or maybe I need to take an extra handful of anti-depressants.

Saturday, January 6, 2018

“Parnell” starring Clark Gable and Myrna Loy is the latest addition to my list of The Worst Movies Ever Made.

Hi-de-ho and happy Saturday! It’s a lovely, sunny winter day here in Texas, and our forecast high will be 62° by mid-afternoon. For those of you who live in the miserable, frozen north, such as all of my relations and pals in Chicago, you have my deepest sympathy. I don’t know how you can stand it. (Forgive me if I’m being obtuse.)

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

My wish for the new year ... holy mother of crap, why doesn’t Mueller DO SOMETHING already!?

About that post headline … I mean it with every fiber of my soul! I’m sick of this goddamn, slow-as-molasses investigation by special counsel Robert Mueller, and I WANT SOME ACTION already. It can’t be possible that he doesn’t have enough dirt on the Trump crime family by now to start taking them down. Every time I hear Donald Trump’s voice or see his ugly face I want to SCREAM … or PUKE … OR BOTH!

Sunday, December 31, 2017

It’s New Year’s Eve, Sam has “cabin fever” and I’m ordering Chinese food.

It’s 2 p.m. on a bitter cold New Year’s Eve. The outside temperature is 26° with a wind-chill of 13°. THAT’S FUCKING RIDICULOUS FOR TEXAS, people. And it’s also been dark, dismal and overcast for the last several days, which only makes it feel worse. Sam has developed “cabin fever,” a temporary mental illness that develops whenever you’re stuck indoors for a prolonged period of time and can’t get out to enjoy the sunshine. There isn’t any sunshine, and it’s just TOO DAMN COLD.

Friday, December 29, 2017

A senior citizen shopping splurge that went off the rails.

I didn’t know for sure if I wanted to write a post today as I’ve been swamped with so many other pressing activities here at Howdygram headquarters. These include: 1) breakfast; 2) downloading new clipart for greeting card projects for The Howdygram Store; and 3) taking a shower.

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

It’s Christmas Day 2017. Have a good one, goyim!

I’m adding this paragraph two days after composing the rest of this post because I WAS SICK AGAIN. I won’t go into too much detail here (you can thank me later) but I’ll describe my day like this: a high fever, uncontrollable screaming, a peeing incident and paramedics. Please write for additional information.



Merry Christmas from the Howdygram! It’s a nice, quiet day here … bitter cold (in the 30s), but there’s no snow and it’s pleasantly sunny. Sam is taking a drive through nearby Sunnyvale because he enjoys looking at the cattle ranches.

Thursday, December 21, 2017

Free fonts, an in-depth toe report and some light left-wing political commentary.

Holy crap. I just lost an entire draft version of a Howdygram post, a long one that I’ve been working on for TWO DAYS. I can’t believe this! I started the Howdygram ten fucking years ago, and and this is the first time I’ve ever lost something huge like this. Two days of work down the drain! I’m totally devastated. I WANT TO KICK SOMETHING.

Tuesday, December 12, 2017

With any luck I’ll never have to see another dentist for the rest of my life.

Ah, Tuesday! I’m having a lovely time in the study with a quart of cherry limeade, a bag of Chester’s orange puffcorn and my space heater because I woke up freezing again. I’ve also been working on some greeting card projects for The Howdygram Store, updating the cardback cover art with my new store logo. And FYI, the Howdygram has a new logo, too! This is so exciting I almost can’t stand it.

Monday, December 11, 2017

The Howdygram Store is proud to introduce its “Founding Fathers” Collection!

Happy Monday morning from the crew at Howdygram headquarters! Sam is reading the news online at Yahoo.com and I just finished uploading my brand new line of Founding Fathers coffee mugs and greeting cards for The Howdygram Store. Yes, they’re as fabulous as they sound. Yes, I’m exceedingly weird.

Monday, December 4, 2017

Getting hysterical about Republican shitheads could be detrimental to my overall well-being.

Wow. Good morning! It’s 10:25 a.m., Sam just got home from Wal-Mart with my Coumadin refill, and I’m finishing up a few last-minute Christmas card creations for The Howdygram Store. In case you’re interested, designing Christmas cards is far better than trying to digest the news from America’s dumpster fire in Congress. What the fuck is wrong with those people!?

Saturday, December 2, 2017

You should sign up for Zazzle.com’s promotional emails.

Holy shitsky, people … it’s been another whole week since my last Howdygram post! Once again, however, I do have an excuse. I WAS SICK. This time it included: 1) severe arthritis pain in my knees and gout pain in my toe; 2) overall crappiness and weakness; 3) an exploding bladder with no advance warning whatsoever; and 4) probably another undiagnosed urinary tract infection. I haven’t been able to spend any time at my desk in the study since Tuesday, and it’s impossible for me to type anything on my iPhone while I’m lying down on the chaise in the family room unless it involves a two-sentence response to an email. So there you have it. Let’s move on, shall we? And I’ll begin with one of my favorite topics: FONTS.

Saturday, November 25, 2017

Happy anniversary to the Queen and Prince Philip!

Before I do anything else I’d like to wish all of you a very happy — and very belated — Thanksgiving. I hope your day was filled with piles of food and mountains of gravy. THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS TOO MUCH GRAVY. Seriously.

Sunday, November 19, 2017

We have something to celebrate today.

I have some amazing news. AMAZING. For a very long time I’ve been worried, off and on, about how I’d get some much-needed dental work when the time came. I haven’t been out of the house since 2011 due to health problems and mobility issues, and it was probably 2010 that last time I saw a dentist. He did impressions, made me an upper denture and referred me to a local oral surgeon, who extracted six teeth. The upper denture fit perfectly from day one and I never had a reason to go back.

Friday, November 17, 2017

Try my world-famous “Texas Caviar” recipe.

It’s 9:45 on an overcast Thursday morning. Welcome to November in Texas, people. Pleasant temperatures (today’s high will be 71°) but dreary. Sam is out taking a walk and I’m here in the study with the Howdygram and a bag of Chester’s cheese puffcorn. This is a nicer snack than Cheetos because Chester’s doesn’t turn your fingers orange. My only complaint: I order Chester’s Puffcorn online from Wal-Mart and they’re charging $2.75 for a bag that’s clearly marked “$2 only.” What the fuck! Are they KIDDING?

Friday, November 10, 2017

I’m a senior citizen with diabetes, a shitty immune system and kidney disease. How about you?

Yes, dear readers, it’s me again, ... coming to you live from Howdygram headquarters, the nerve center of north Texas! As always I find myself compelled to apologize for the long delay since my last post. I’ve been sick again. This time it was another urinary tract infection with a raging fever, during which I didn’t eat, couldn’t stand up, pished all over tarnation and scared Sam half to death. (For me, these recurring infections are exacerbated by the fact that I’m a senior citizen with diabetes, a shitty immune system and kidney disease.) Afterwards it took a couple of days to get my appetite back and walk without feeling (or looking) inebriated. I’m doing well now. Thank you for asking.

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Happy birthday to me. Yee-haw.

Hi-de-ho, everybody. Here’s a Howdygram news bulletin for you.

I’m 66 years old today.

Sunday, October 29, 2017

Yes, you can make good homemade potato salad with canned diced potatoes!

Yo, everybody! Sam is at Popeye’s picking up a sack of spicy poultry and assorted “sides” for dinner tonight … to go along with the bowl of MARCY’S WORLD-FAMOUS POTATO SALAD that I made a few minutes ago. Yes, I actually made potato salad today ... although I didn’t boil, peel and dice any actual raw potatoes because I haven’t been able to stand up in the kitchen — due to mobility issues — for at least five years, and this isn’t something I’d ever get Sam to do. Therefore we’re trying my recipe today with canned diced potatoes from Wal-Mart and fresh celery, bell pepper, red onion and four hard-boiled eggs that I mooshed carefully at my desk in the study. To all this we’ll add my Award-Winning Potato Salad Dressing, which consists of nice mayo, juice from a jar of green olives and a hefty dash of Lawry’s salt. Stay tuned for a candid and impartial food review!

Thursday, October 19, 2017

Know what? I’ve been expanding The Howdygram Store’s product line again.

Happy Tuesday, y’all. Sam is out for a walk around the lake and I’m here at home typing furiously … even though I’m not really furious about anything except the Manhattan orangutan in the White House. Also Congress.

Sunday, October 15, 2017

I’ve discovered the best canned tamales!

Happy Sunday and hi-de-ho from Howdygram headquarters! It’s nearly 9 a.m. and I thought I’d start the day with some weird yet random thoughts, illuminated below in nicely-subtitled paragraphs. You’re welcome!

Saturday, October 14, 2017

Writing is my catharsis. So why the hell have I been avoiding it?

I don’t have the urge to write as often as I used to … and I absolutely HATE it when I don’t feel drawn to the Howdygram. I love the Howdygram. Writing is my catharsis, it’s therapeutic, and it always makes me happy.  Therefore if you can figure out why the hell I’ve been avoiding it, please send an email at your earliest convenience and let me know. Thank you. In the meantime I’ll try to do better, because writing one post a week is abysmal.