Friday, March 23, 2018

There’s nothing as unappealing as a bowl of pulverized pancakes.

FRIDAY, 12:53 P.M., 3/23/2018. So here’s the latest from my luxury suite at Baylor Hospital in Sunnyvale, Texas. I found out this morning that I’m not scheduled to go home until Sunday morning, not Saturday. This was the first time anybody had bothered to explain that I’m on a seven-day antibiotics regimen, and since I was admitted last Sunday morning I won’t be able to leave until this Sunday morning. The day after tomorrow. Can I please KICK THE CRAP out of somebody?!

Thursday, March 22, 2018

I started running an unexpected fever again today. They’ll never discharge me on Saturday if I have a fever!

THURSDAY, 1:58 P.M., 3/22/2018. A good and happy Thursday to y’all. I’m still hospitalized, day five. About half an hour ago they put me back on an oxygen cannula due to I was gasping to breathe for no apparent reason, (my oxygen level was 96; my saturation was excellent, too). I feel better wearing the cannula for the moment, however. This may be related to the fact that I had an elevated fever this morning (99.8°) that came out of nowhere, especially since I’ve been stuffed full of high-power intravenous antibiotics since Sunday. Please stay tuned for additional developments, okay? I suspect I’ll be taking breathing treatments later today ...

“Oh, Jerry, don’t let’s ask for the moon. We have the stars!”

THURSDAY, 12:14 A.M., 3/22/2018. Howdy-do, people! It’s just past midnight and I’m comfortably settled in a nice fresh bed with my MacBook Pro, a jug of cherry limeade on ice and Turner Classic Movies. Tonight’s entertainment is including The Way We Were (1973) starring Barbra Streisand and Robert Redford, An Affair to Remember (1957) starring Debra Kerr and Cary Grant, Annie Hall (1977) starring Diane Keaton and Woody Allen, and my all-time personal favorite, Now Voyager (1942) starring Bette Davis, Paul Henreid and Claude Rains. I mean, who could ever forget Bette’s famous line (as Charlotte Vale): “Oh, Jerry, don’t let’s ask for the moon. We have the stars!”

Wednesday, March 21, 2018

I won’t be going home today after all, so I’m waiting for the nursing staff to find me a portable bariatric commode.

WEDNESDAY, 3:50 P.M., 3/21/2018. You guessed it … I’m not going home today! about an hour ago I found out that I’ll be here three more days because it’ll take 48 hours for my insurance company (the Scott & White Vital Traditions Medicare HMO) to process and approve the PICC-line I.V. and home health aide … and that would mean 48 hours at home with no antibiotics. So I’ll be staying at Baylor Hospital for three additional days and will probably go home on Saturday. Oy!

My overall health is at the stage where I need hospital-level medical care at home.

WEDNESDAY, 10 A.M., 3/21/2018. So here’s the deal for today. Yes, I’m being discharged from Baylor Hospital … but I’ll be going home with a PICC-line I.V. (to be installed shortly) because apparently I’ll need intravenous antibiotics four times a day for three more days. Holy shit, right?! Baylor hospital will arrange for a home health aide to teach Sam how to do this, but the aide will also stop by once a day to check on me and make sure I’m getting enough Chinese food. (I might be kidding about that.)

What every woman wants to hear at 4 o’clock in the morning; “Your tongue sticks out when you sleep.”

TUESDAY NIGHT, 3/20/2018. I don’t have much to write about from my hospital bed tonight so I figured I’d just ramble for a while until I decide what’s what.

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

I’m not going home today. Fortunately, we’re having rotini with meat sauce for dinner.

Good afternoon, boys and girls. I’m still writing from the second floor (room 204, specifically) of Baylor Hospital in Sunnyvale, Texas, where I’ve been recovering from a variety of ailments since early Sunday morning when I arrived here via ambulance. The official diagnosis has been congestive heart failure (which I already knew I had) combined with a very high fever from a resurgence of a stubborn urinary tract infection. If that’s too much information you’ll just have to deal with it.

Monday, March 19, 2018

I can’t tolerate sodium-free.

It’s a few minutes after 4 p.m. on Monday, March 19, and I’m still at Baylor Hospital in Sunnyvale. Sam was here for a few hours (he just left) so I decided this would be a fine time to work on another Howdygram post even though he thinks I’m taking a nap.

I’m in the hospital.

I’m writing this post from the “friendly confines” of Baylor Hospital in Sunnyvale, Texas, where I arrived at 9:30 Sunday morning following a 911 call from Sam. The official E.R. diagnosis was PNEUMONIA, but I don’t believe it. I’ve had pneumonia before, years ago, and it always involved coughing up a lung. I’m not coughing this time. I think what I actually have is a congestive heart failure episode combined with another urinary tract infection. That would explain the breathing difficulties — my oxygen level was 80 — and the high fever, which was 103° when I arrived at the emergency room.

Saturday, March 17, 2018

Freeze-dried Mountain House entrées are ideal for housebound senior citizens like yours truly.

Yo from Howdygram headquarters! It’s a weird Friday night here in north Texas, where I’m multi-tasking with barbecue potato chips, screaming pain in my baby toe and our movie-du-jour, Jersey Boys (2014), the story of the 1960s pop group the Four Seasons, starring — ready for this? — Vincent Piazza, Erich Bergen, Michael Lomenda and John Lloyd Young as Frankie Valli … all were apparently in the original Broadway cast. I never heard of any of them. To tell you the truth, the only familiar face was Christopher Walken’s as a mobster named “Gyp.” But the movie is terrific, and the music is even better!

Friday, March 16, 2018

It’s officially impossible to sit, walk or smile … and I want to strangle somebody.

Howdy, people. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to sit here typing tonight due to having a thoroughly miserable day of pain (details follow) and not feeling especially motivated towards creativity of any kind whatsoever. It started when I woke up this morning at 7, and four hours later I was already too uncomfortable (actually, I was crying) and couldn’t continue to sit in the study. As I write this post: 1) the skin on the back of both thighs feels like a third degree burn; 2) there’s a screaming baby toe on my left foot caused by gout and a massive ingrown corn; 3) neuropathy pain in both heels that’s reminiscent of plantar fasciitis plus shooting sparks on the outside of my right thigh; and last but not least 4) arthritis pain in both knees. Therefore it’s officially impossible to sit, walk or smile ... AND I WANT TO STRANGLE SOMEBODY!

Thursday, March 15, 2018

Mentally ill emails, round two.

Good evening, boys and girls. It’s me — Marcy — and I’m writing to you with gleeful hysteria (and two little cups of sugar-free Jell-O) from my new favorite location in the family room ... now that I’ve got my new MacBook Pro! No kidding, this is one of the most wonderful things that’s ever happened to me ... not counting the discovery of pre-cooked pasta in a microwaveable pouch. Don’t forget that I’m a handicapped senior citizen with all kinds of mobility issues, so it’s heaven being able to write a Howdygram post after dinner without shlepping back into the study to use my desktop Mac. (It takes forever to haul myself from room to room around here. You never realize how big your house is until you can’t walk any more.)

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

It’s always the right time for Nick and Nora.

I’m writing this post from the comfort of our sofa in the family room ... with my brand new MacBook Pro! It arrived late this afternoon right before Sam started to make dinner. I tried to control my rising hysteria but I think he knew that I wanted to skip the meatballs, rip open the carton and start horsing around IMMEDIATELY.

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

My new MacBook Pro will be here today. Holy crap.

Show of hands! Does everybody love the Howdygram’s NEW LOOK? The biggest change — okay, the only change — is a new text color. I switched it from a neutral taupe to dusty blue, which is actually a lighter version of the color in our cowpoke mascot’s neck scarf. I continue to dick around with the Howdygram’s design features because: 1) I enjoy it; 2) it’s free; and 3) I don’t have anything else to do.

Monday, March 12, 2018

Old pictures and new teeth.

Hi-de-ho, dear readers! It’s 7 o’clock Monday morning and I’m taking pills, reading email and killing time until Elite Mobile Dental shows up with a wax mold of my new lower denture. They’re supposed to be here at 8:30, and I’m thoroughly goddamn excited about this because I’ve had seriously insufficient lower teeth for decades … and no lower teeth at all for the last six weeks! Stay tuned for additional developments but please feel free to resume your normal routine in the meantime. (Thank you.)

Sunday, March 11, 2018

Please forgive me for taking such a long break since my last post on February 25.

Here’s wishing y’all a pleasant Sunday from Howdygram headquarters! It’s a peachy-keen spring day here in north Texas with temperatures in the mid-60s and a shitload of sunshine. Sam just got home from a trip to Wal-Mart and I’m parked in the study with a banana. It’s a perfect day. The only thing that could make it better is a nice long nap and a William Powell movie. (Note to self: Schedule a nice long nap and a William Powell movie.)

Sunday, February 25, 2018

From what I can tell, about 65% of NBC’s televised prime-time Olympics coverage has been about snowboarding.

Hi-de-ho, people. It’s another cold, wet day in north Texas. We’ve got a full day of storms and heavy rain in the forecast … and the fun is expected to start around 10 a.m. (two hours from now) after Sam swings by our polling place to take care of his early voting responsibilities. (It’s the Democratic primary for the November election.)

Thursday, February 22, 2018

Creativity, thunderstorms, new fonts … and that asshole is still in the White House.

You have to forgive me. I’ve been a little too wrapped up in my other addiction — greeting card design — for the last seven days and really haven’t set aside any extra time to write a Howdygram post. However I did put all that “design time” to good use. I created about 14 new cards for The Howdygram Store, including two new collections … “Me and the Cat” and some pretty soft-touch watercolor landscapes.

Thursday, February 15, 2018

Aljona Savchenko and Bruno Massot of Germany demonstrate the crowd-pleasing “flying crotch.”

Happy Thursday morning to you and yours! We’re experiencing a highly pleasant (and well-deserved) balmy pre-spring day here with an expected high around 80°. Following an unusually long Texas winter (three months!) with temperatures that rarely rose above 40°, Sam is so fucking happy he’s planning to go for a walk at one of his favorite parks followed by a quick trip to Wal-Mart for saltines, Claussen dill pickles and a bottle of low-dose aspirin. I’ll hold down the fort here at home because I’m a handicapped and housebound senior citizen. (I’m actually okay with this.)

Monday, February 12, 2018

I apologize for my absence last week.

Yo, shalom, howdy and happy Monday from Howdygram headquarters! It’s another cold and cloudy day here, following three months of more cold and cloudy days. Texas is definitely sick of winter. Yesterday we even had a small ICE STORM, which melted by mid-day due to a brief period of sunshine and an afternoon high that hit 50°. We’re all looking ahead to Wednesday with a high in the 60s and a steady spring warm-up every day thereafter. We even have thunderstorms in the forecast. At last!