Thursday, May 24, 2018

I’m in the hospital. Again.

Once again — no surprise — I’m back in the hospital. Baylor Medical Center in Sunnyvale, to be exact. I arrived this morning around 1 a.m. with a number of familiar symptoms … wheezing, a rising fever and chills. I was pretty well “out of it” when I got here and don’t remember the ambulance ride or even being catherized when I arrived at the E.R. (It’s always pleasant NOT to remember catheterization.) When I was finally moved to a room a couple of hours later I’m told that a nurse inserted a PICC line. (I don’t remember that, either.)

Wednesday, May 23, 2018

There are two things happening this week at Howdygram headquarters.

Howdy-do, boys and girls. It’s 8:45 p.m., and Sam and I are watching Life Begins for Andy Hardy (1941) starring Mickey Rooney. I guess I was badly in need of a “pick-me-up” tonight after two days feeling like shit with zero appetite. Other than that, life has been totally swell. (I think.) And in case you’re interested, here’s a photo from the aforementioned Andy Hardy movie.

Tuesday, May 22, 2018

It’s not a blister … it’s an ULCER!

MONDAY, 5/21/2018, 9:54 A.M. An “ulcer” is the preliminary diagnosis from my podiatrist, who offered the information this morning after I sent him a photo of my left heel. They’re working out a home visit for next week and also arranging for a home health nurse to begin some wound care therapy.

Sunday, May 20, 2018

I’m pretty sure the Queen doesn’t eat rib tips, grits or collard greens.

SATURDAY, 5/19/2018, 10:35 P.M. Just a short “update” post before I go to sleep: I CAN BREATHE AGAIN! After being unable to take a deep breath for the last 48 hours I’m pleased to announce a recovery that’s still in progress. Baylor HouseCalls’ weekend medical crew told me to take a more substanial dose of Lasix (40mg in the morning, 20mg in the afternoon) … and IT WORKED. I’ve been peeing like Niagara Falls every 60 minutes since 7:30 this morning, which is exhausting, frustrating and seriously inconvenient … mostly because I can’t usually make it to the commode. (Thank God we’ve got a huge box of wee-wee pads.) Lasix is pulling every ounce of liquid out of my body, exactly as it’s supposed to do. And Baylor even sent a radiology technician to take a chest x-ray. I’m waiting to hear about the results.

Saturday, May 19, 2018

All I want for Hanukkah is a portable oxygen tank and a cannula.

SATURDAY, 5/19/2018, 4:16 A.M. Yes, friends, I’ve been watching the royal wedding on NBC since 3:30 this morning! I’m such a sucker for anything that involves Britain’s royal family … weddings, babies, all those screwy hoo-hah celebrations for the Queen — her birthday, the anniversary of her coronation, the day she bought her first box of royal tampons, and so on — and today’s big event is no exception. At the moment I’m watching members of the royal family arrive at Windsor Castle for Harry and Meghan’s wedding. Oy, what a bunch of well-dressed yahoos with fabulous hats!

Friday, May 18, 2018

Don’t miss the royal wedding on Saturday … the ritzy soirée begins at 3:30 a.m.

FRIDAY, 5/18/2018, 5:45 A.M. Good morning from Texas! It’s very early here, still pitch black outside, and I’ve been up since around 4 a.m. Frankly, I’m almost positive that I forced myself to wake up this morning because I thought the royal wedding was today … but it’s NOT. It’s tomorrow! So instead, to amuse myself, I asked Sam to nuke a breakfast biscuit for me (with egg, cheese and sausage) with Pepperidge Farm pizza-flavored goldfish as a side dish. (Regular cheese-flavored goldfish would be okay, too. We have both kinds.)

Thursday, May 17, 2018

There’s a weekend of huge thrills coming up at Howdygram headquarters.

WEDNESDAY, 5/16/2018, 9:47 P.M. I’m not exactly sure what’s going on with me tonight, but I haven’t felt very creative. Or cheerful. Or anything. I’ve started and deleted three Howdygram posts, and now it’s already approaching 10 p.m. and I’m ready to lie down and conk out. Jesus.

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

My BFF Sandi and I first met in summer school in 1963 … and she’ll be here on Friday!

This is something new for me … I’m lying on the chaise in the family room with my MacBook Pro balanced on my stomach. Wondering why? Because I was too fucking uncomfortable this morning to sit on the sofa!

Monday, May 14, 2018

Lower dentures, round two.

I hadn’t planned to start another post until after dinner tonight, but what the hell … I’ll give it a shot now instead! It’s about 15 minutes past noon and I’m watching the silent version of Don Juan (1926) starring John Barrymore, Myrna Loy and Mary Astor. Frankly, this is boring as hell and I don’t think I’ll be able to stand it much longer. Meh!

Sunday, May 13, 2018

Wishing you a happy Mother’s Day and an expensive buffet with unlimited shrimp.

MOTHER’S DAY, 6:43 A.M. Good morning one and all. It’s not quite 7 a.m., Sam just left for his daily walk at Samuell Park, and I’ve been up since the crack of dawn … ready to start my day with another Howdygram post. Today, of course, it’s a little different. It’s MOTHER’S DAY, and I’d like to wish lots of love — and hopefully an expensive Mother’s Day brunch with unlimited shrimp — to all you mamas out there.

Saturday, May 12, 2018

A new agony for my goddamn left foot.

SATURDAY, 9:17 A.M. Howdy, howdy, howdy! You’ll surely be pleased to know that I’ve had an above-average morning so far, including: 1) a nice bath with Sam’s able assistance; 2) an anticipated email from my Baylor HouseCalls nurse practitioner; and 3) a bowl of Pepperidge Farm cheddar goldfish.

Friday, May 11, 2018

Don’t miss it … an Andy Hardy movie marathon starts Tuesday night on TCM!

FRIDAY, 6:45 A.M. It’s the crack of dawn here in north Texas and Sam is out for his morning walk at Samuell Park in south Mesquite. As for me, I just finished a juicy breakfast croissant and wrote an email response to the office manager (Kendall) at Elite Mobile Dental.

Thursday, May 10, 2018

MGM actually made an entire movie — in Technicolor! — about Jane Powell and a fucking corset.

Shalom, howdy, yo and how’s the family from your friends at Howdygram headquarters! It’s around 10 p.m., Sam is asleep next to me on the sofa, and I’m pondering an email to the office manager — an individual named Kendall — at Elite Mobile Dental. He wrote to Sam this afternoon expressing surprise that I rejected my lower denture yesterday without “giving it an honest effort,” so I’m mulling whether or not to have them bring it back so I can try different kinds of adhesive (Fix-O-Dent powder and Sea Bond strips) to see if either of them works better (and is less disgusting) than paste.

Wednesday, May 9, 2018

Remembered the Alamo lately?

It’s Wednesday night, nearly 11 p.m., and I only have one subject on my mind for this post: TEEFS. Or rather, a lack of teefs.

Tuesday, May 8, 2018

I slept until 10:30 this morning … like a goddamn princess!

Know what? I HAD A GOOD DAY TODAY! I slept until 10:30 a.m. — seriously, like a goddamn princess! — and immediately announced to Sam that I wanted to spend all day in the study with my beautiful iMac, working on assorted projects and designing more mugs and greeting cards for The Howdygram Store. So I shlepped to the study without my walker and enjoyed eight glorious uninterrupted hours of productive design time. It was FABULOUS … and I didn’t even need an emergency pish break because I decided not to take Lasix this morning!

Monday, May 7, 2018

Sam can’t stand Maurice Chevalier. I’m pretty sure it’s that creepy song he sings about little girls in “Gigi.”

MONDAY, 8:54 A.M. Good morning, boys and girls. I’m pleased to announce that I feel better today so far! As long as I take my pain meds at regular intervals I should be able to sit here comfortably, composing the Howdygram for hours. But you never can tell. Sometimes agony creeps up on me with no warning whatsoever and whacks me right between the eyes, and I have to shlep back to the chaise and collapse.

Sunday, May 6, 2018

Pleasant Sunday entertainment: “Rosemary’s Baby” and a lot of Hydrocodone.

Yo, everybody ... I’ve had another achy, shitty, disgusting day. Therefore I decided to cheer myself up by watching Rosemary’s Baby, that creepy horror movie from 1968 starring Mia Farrow and John Cassavetes, followed by a large dose of Hydrocodone for the pain, a two-hour nap, and a lovely feast from China City. The aforementioned “lovely feast” included Tofu Tempura, Steamed Dumplings with hot chili sauce and Scallop Egg Foo Young. Dinner was accompanied by A Few Good Men (1992) starring Demi Moore, Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson.

Saturday, May 5, 2018

There’s nothing quite like a good movie with Xavier Cugat and Carmen Miranda.

It’s a lovely, clammy Saturday night, and tonight we’re watching West Side Story (1961) starring Russ Tamblyn, Richard Beymer, Rita Moreno and Natalie Wood. Right now they’re all at the local Friday night dance, the scene where Maria (Natalie Wood) and Tony (Richard Beymer) meet for the first time, and everybody immediately has a brain hemorrhage because he’s American and she’s Puerto Rican. Even worse, their relatives belong to opposing gangs — the Jets and the Sharks — who constantly beat the shit out of each other for control of a cruddy little inner-city neighborhood. Adapted from Shakespeare’s “Romeo and Juliet,” it’s a great story with great music, great dancing and great performances. West Side Story won 10 Oscars. Whoa ... THAT’S A LOT OF GODDAMN STATUES!

Happy Cinco de Mayo, Mexico’s annual mayonnaise celebration!

I’ll begin today’s Howdygram post with a festive holiday greeting to one and y’all … we wish you a very HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO, Mexico’s annual MAYONNAISE CELEBRATION! And here’s my annual Cinco de Mayo graphic, complete with five jars of Hellmann’s (the preferred brand of Howdygram headquarters). Enjoy … make yourself a bowl of tuna salad!

Friday, May 4, 2018

Tomorrow I’m going to wash my hair with one of those no-rinse shampoo shower cap thingies for coots.

FRIDAY, 9:18 A.M. It’s pouring rain right now but Sam decided not to postpone his “do” list this morning. Therefore he’s on his way to the barber shop for a haircut and then to Wal-Mart for a few grocery essentials … frozen steak fries, bananas, baby carrots and Wal-Mart’s store brand frozen batter-dipped fish fillets because they’re the best frozen fish fillets we’ve ever had. They’re tasty, they’re the perfect size, they don’t smell when you bake them and we can make dinner for two in our toaster oven. I recommend pairing them with Wal-Mart’s store brand tartar sauce and some steak fries. WHAT AN OUTSTANDING MEAL!