Thursday, February 15, 2018

Aljona Savchenko and Bruno Massot of Germany demonstrate the crowd-pleasing “flying crotch.”

Happy Thursday morning to you and yours! We’re experiencing a highly pleasant (and well-deserved) balmy pre-spring day here with an expected high around 80°. Following an unusually long Texas winter (three months!) with temperatures that rarely rose above 40°, Sam is so fucking happy he’s planning to go for a walk at one of his favorite parks followed by a quick trip to Wal-Mart for saltines, Claussen dill pickles and a bottle of low-dose aspirin. I’ll hold down the fort here at home because I’m a handicapped and housebound senior citizen. (I’m actually okay with this.)

Monday, February 12, 2018

I apologize for my absence last week.

Yo, shalom, howdy and happy Monday from Howdygram headquarters! It’s another cold and cloudy day here, following three months of more cold and cloudy days. Texas is definitely sick of winter. Yesterday we even had a small ICE STORM, which melted by mid-day due to a brief period of sunshine and an afternoon high that hit 50°. We’re all looking ahead to Wednesday with a high in the 60s and a steady spring warm-up every day thereafter. We even have thunderstorms in the forecast. At last!

Tuesday, February 6, 2018

A big Wal-Mart order, a visit from my HouseCalls medical team and our brand new feature, Let’s Learn Yiddish!

The stock market finally had an “up” day today — thank God! — so I’m feeling cheerful enough to suck* on an Atkins energy bar and write a quick Howdygram post. I’ll break the good financial news to Sam when he’s through with his afternoon nap.

Monday, February 5, 2018

Take care of your teeth … you’ll miss ’em when they’re gone.

It’s a bitter cold and overcast Monday morning here at Howdygram headquarters … about 34° with plenty of clouds. Tonight it will drop to freezing; tomorrow we’re expecting significant thunderstorms. This is an excellent situation, and I’m not complaining because we really need rain around here. Bring it on!

Friday, February 2, 2018

I am now living, breathing combination of Walter Brennan and Sylvester the Cat.

Hi-de-ho and happy Friday morning to you and yours! Sam is picking up a few grocery essentials at Wal-Mart — hummus, cheese, chicken lunch meat, braunschweiger, and a nice loaf of bread — while I hold down the proverbial fort here at Howdygram headquarters. And I also want to thank you in advance for putting up with me, as I’ve had a very difficult month bouncing back from another health scare (cellulitis in my right leg), a two-week fever and hospitalization at Baylor’s nearby medical center in Sunnyvale. As a result I’ve had almost zero energy whatsoever, a shitty appetite, a lot of difficulty moving around in the house, and I’ve even had to go back to using my walker so I won’t fall down.

Monday, January 22, 2018

Panda Express has really decent Chinese food to go.

I’m finally clawing my way back to life today after struggling through some harrowing events. I’ll describe them for you in the following subtitled paragraphs.

Thursday, January 11, 2018

The inside of our garage is an office chair graveyard.

Greetings and salutations from north Texas, where it’s dark, dreary, 42° and shrouded in fog. This is the kind of aggravating weather that makes housebound senior citizens such as yours truly want to beat their indoor plants to death with a cane. Or maybe I need to take an extra handful of anti-depressants.

Saturday, January 6, 2018

“Parnell” starring Clark Gable and Myrna Loy is the latest addition to my list of The Worst Movies Ever Made.

Hi-de-ho and happy Saturday! It’s a lovely, sunny winter day here in Texas, and our forecast high will be 62° by mid-afternoon. For those of you who live in the miserable, frozen north, such as all of my relations and pals in Chicago, you have my deepest sympathy. I don’t know how you can stand it. (Forgive me if I’m being obtuse.)

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

My wish for the new year ... holy mother of crap, why doesn’t Mueller DO SOMETHING already!?

About that post headline … I mean it with every fiber of my soul! I’m sick of this goddamn, slow-as-molasses investigation by special counsel Robert Mueller, and I WANT SOME ACTION already. It can’t be possible that he doesn’t have enough dirt on the Trump crime family by now to start taking them down. Every time I hear Donald Trump’s voice or see his ugly face I want to SCREAM … or PUKE … OR BOTH!

Sunday, December 31, 2017

It’s New Year’s Eve, Sam has “cabin fever” and I’m ordering Chinese food.

It’s 2 p.m. on a bitter cold New Year’s Eve. The outside temperature is 26° with a wind-chill of 13°. THAT’S FUCKING RIDICULOUS FOR TEXAS, people. And it’s also been dark, dismal and overcast for the last several days, which only makes it feel worse. Sam has developed “cabin fever,” a temporary mental illness that develops whenever you’re stuck indoors for a prolonged period of time and can’t get out to enjoy the sunshine. There isn’t any sunshine, and it’s just TOO DAMN COLD.

Friday, December 29, 2017

A senior citizen shopping splurge that went off the rails.

I didn’t know for sure if I wanted to write a post today as I’ve been swamped with so many other pressing activities here at Howdygram headquarters. These include: 1) breakfast; 2) downloading new clipart for greeting card projects for The Howdygram Store; and 3) taking a shower.

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

It’s Christmas Day 2017. Have a good one, goyim!

I’m adding this paragraph two days after composing the rest of this post because I WAS SICK AGAIN. I won’t go into too much detail here (you can thank me later) but I’ll describe my day like this: a high fever, uncontrollable screaming, a peeing incident and paramedics. Please write for additional information.



Merry Christmas from the Howdygram! It’s a nice, quiet day here … bitter cold (in the 30s), but there’s no snow and it’s pleasantly sunny. Sam is taking a drive through nearby Sunnyvale because he enjoys looking at the cattle ranches.

Thursday, December 21, 2017

Free fonts, an in-depth toe report and some light left-wing political commentary.

Holy crap. I just lost an entire draft version of a Howdygram post, a long one that I’ve been working on for TWO DAYS. I can’t believe this! I started the Howdygram ten fucking years ago, and and this is the first time I’ve ever lost something huge like this. Two days of work down the drain! I’m totally devastated. I WANT TO KICK SOMETHING.

Tuesday, December 12, 2017

With any luck I’ll never have to see another dentist for the rest of my life.

Ah, Tuesday! I’m having a lovely time in the study with a quart of cherry limeade, a bag of Chester’s orange puffcorn and my space heater because I woke up freezing again. I’ve also been working on some greeting card projects for The Howdygram Store, updating the cardback cover art with my new store logo. And FYI, the Howdygram has a new logo, too! This is so exciting I almost can’t stand it.

Monday, December 11, 2017

The Howdygram Store is proud to introduce its “Founding Fathers” Collection!

Happy Monday morning from the crew at Howdygram headquarters! Sam is reading the news online at Yahoo.com and I just finished uploading my brand new line of Founding Fathers coffee mugs and greeting cards for The Howdygram Store. Yes, they’re as fabulous as they sound. Yes, I’m exceedingly weird.

Monday, December 4, 2017

Getting hysterical about Republican shitheads could be detrimental to my overall well-being.

Wow. Good morning! It’s 10:25 a.m., Sam just got home from Wal-Mart with my Coumadin refill, and I’m finishing up a few last-minute Christmas card creations for The Howdygram Store. In case you’re interested, designing Christmas cards is far better than trying to digest the news from America’s dumpster fire in Congress. What the fuck is wrong with those people!?

Saturday, December 2, 2017

You should sign up for Zazzle.com’s promotional emails.

Holy shitsky, people … it’s been another whole week since my last Howdygram post! Once again, however, I do have an excuse. I WAS SICK. This time it included: 1) severe arthritis pain in my knees and gout pain in my toe; 2) overall crappiness and weakness; 3) an exploding bladder with no advance warning whatsoever; and 4) probably another undiagnosed urinary tract infection. I haven’t been able to spend any time at my desk in the study since Tuesday, and it’s impossible for me to type anything on my iPhone while I’m lying down on the chaise in the family room unless it involves a two-sentence response to an email. So there you have it. Let’s move on, shall we? And I’ll begin with one of my favorite topics: FONTS.

Saturday, November 25, 2017

Happy anniversary to the Queen and Prince Philip!

Before I do anything else I’d like to wish all of you a very happy — and very belated — Thanksgiving. I hope your day was filled with piles of food and mountains of gravy. THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS TOO MUCH GRAVY. Seriously.

Sunday, November 19, 2017

We have something to celebrate today.

I have some amazing news. AMAZING. For a very long time I’ve been worried, off and on, about how I’d get some much-needed dental work when the time came. I haven’t been out of the house since 2011 due to health problems and mobility issues, and it was probably 2010 that last time I saw a dentist. He did impressions, made me an upper denture and referred me to a local oral surgeon, who extracted six teeth. The upper denture fit perfectly from day one and I never had a reason to go back.

Friday, November 17, 2017

Try my world-famous “Texas Caviar” recipe.

It’s 9:45 on an overcast Thursday morning. Welcome to November in Texas, people. Pleasant temperatures (today’s high will be 71°) but dreary. Sam is out taking a walk and I’m here in the study with the Howdygram and a bag of Chester’s cheese puffcorn. This is a nicer snack than Cheetos because Chester’s doesn’t turn your fingers orange. My only complaint: I order Chester’s Puffcorn online from Wal-Mart and they’re charging $2.75 for a bag that’s clearly marked “$2 only.” What the fuck! Are they KIDDING?