Friday, November 17, 2017

Try my world-famous “Texas Caviar” recipe.

It’s 9:45 on an overcast Thursday morning. Welcome to November in Texas, people. Pleasant temperatures (today’s high will be 71°) but dreary. Sam is out taking a walk and I’m here in the study with the Howdygram and a bag of Chester’s cheese puffcorn. This is a nicer snack than Cheetos because Chester’s doesn’t turn your fingers orange. My only complaint: I order Chester’s Puffcorn online from Wal-Mart and they’re charging $2.75 for a bag that’s clearly marked “$2 only.” What the fuck! Are they KIDDING?

Friday, November 10, 2017

I’m a senior citizen with diabetes, a shitty immune system and kidney disease. How about you?

Yes, dear readers, it’s me again, ... coming to you live from Howdygram headquarters, the nerve center of north Texas! As always I find myself compelled to apologize for the long delay since my last post. I’ve been sick again. This time it was another urinary tract infection with a raging fever, during which I didn’t eat, couldn’t stand up, pished all over tarnation and scared Sam half to death. (For me, these recurring infections are exacerbated by the fact that I’m a senior citizen with diabetes, a shitty immune system and kidney disease.) Afterwards it took a couple of days to get my appetite back and walk without feeling (or looking) inebriated. I’m doing well now. Thank you for asking.

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Happy birthday to me. Yee-haw.

Hi-de-ho, everybody. Here’s a Howdygram news bulletin for you.

I’m 66 years old today.

Sunday, October 29, 2017

Yes, you can make good homemade potato salad with canned diced potatoes!

Yo, everybody! Sam is at Popeye’s picking up a sack of spicy poultry and assorted “sides” for dinner tonight … to go along with the bowl of MARCY’S WORLD-FAMOUS POTATO SALAD that I made a few minutes ago. Yes, I actually made potato salad today ... although I didn’t boil, peel and dice any actual raw potatoes because I haven’t been able to stand up in the kitchen — due to mobility issues — for at least five years, and this isn’t something I’d ever get Sam to do. Therefore we’re trying my recipe today with canned diced potatoes from Wal-Mart and fresh celery, bell pepper, red onion and four hard-boiled eggs that I mooshed carefully at my desk in the study. To all this we’ll add my Award-Winning Potato Salad Dressing, which consists of nice mayo, juice from a jar of green olives and a hefty dash of Lawry’s salt. Stay tuned for a candid and impartial food review!

Thursday, October 19, 2017

Know what? I’ve been expanding The Howdygram Store’s product line again.

Happy Tuesday, y’all. Sam is out for a walk around the lake and I’m here at home typing furiously … even though I’m not really furious about anything except the Manhattan orangutan in the White House. Also Congress.

Sunday, October 15, 2017

I’ve discovered the best canned tamales!

Happy Sunday and hi-de-ho from Howdygram headquarters! It’s nearly 9 a.m. and I thought I’d start the day with some weird yet random thoughts, illuminated below in nicely-subtitled paragraphs. You’re welcome!

Saturday, October 14, 2017

Writing is my catharsis. So why the hell have I been avoiding it?

I don’t have the urge to write as often as I used to … and I absolutely HATE it when I don’t feel drawn to the Howdygram. I love the Howdygram. Writing is my catharsis, it’s therapeutic, and it always makes me happy.  Therefore if you can figure out why the hell I’ve been avoiding it, please send an email at your earliest convenience and let me know. Thank you. In the meantime I’ll try to do better, because writing one post a week is abysmal.

Saturday, October 7, 2017

Medicare open enrollment starts October 15. Oy.

I know, I know. It’s been a whole week since my last Howdygram post and everybody’s pissed at me. I get it. To help explain my absence, the past seven days have been filled with the following activities …

Saturday, September 30, 2017

Thank God for our new Bissell carpet shampooer.

Happy Thursday and hi-de-ho! After a rather peculiar week I’m finally feeling upbeat enough to horse around with the Howdygram and tell y’all what’s been going on around here. I had a second appointment on Tuesday with my visiting nurse practitioner, Anthonia, and her trusty sidekick, Nora.

Saturday, September 23, 2017

I thought it might be fun to order a few Wal-Mart store-brand products that I’ve never tried before. Seriously.

I honestly can’t believe it’s been almost a week since my last post … but I have an excuse, and a good one. I FEEL LIKE SHIT AND IT HURTS TO SIT AT MY DESK. Guess I’m at that point in life when whining about my health is the only consistent theme of my blog. You’d better do your best to get used to this.

Sunday, September 17, 2017

I get excited about free fonts even when I’m not on drugs.

Big day today, people! About an hour ago I took my first dose of Tramadol — an addictive prescription painkiller — that I’ll be taking alongside 10 mg of Hydrocodone every six hours. At the moment, though, I currently find myself juggling a variety of distinct side effects: 1) sore eyeballs; 2) mild nausea and belching; 3) a headache; and 4) an overpowering need to download a shitload of FREE FONTS. I’m not sure number four really has anything to do with prescription painkillers, however. I get excited about free fonts even when I’m not on drugs.

Friday, September 15, 2017

I’ve got some medical issues today. Also some Chef Boyardee mini ravioli.

Hi-de-ho and happy Friday! Sam is napping in the family room and I’m at my desk in the study with a nice hot Hormel Compleats Chicken Breast & Gravy with Mashed Potatoes, one of my favorite meals for housebound senior citizens who can’t stand up any more to cook things. This is actually a tasty little entrée and only costs $1.98 from Wal-Mart. Holy shit, right?

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

I’ll never have to go to the doctor again. Let’s watch a Myrna Loy movie to celebrate!

It’s 10 a.m. on Monday morning … another sunny and unseasonably warm fall day with a forecast high temperature of 87°. If you don’t like to sweat please feel free to stay indoors and watch movies with a bag of crunchy things.

Sunday, September 10, 2017

Happy anniversary to Sam and me.

Happy Sunday to you and yours! Today is a big hoo-hah at Howdygram headquarters for the following essential reasons. One, Hurricane Irma is giving Florida a blow job, and two, Sam and I are celebrating our wedding anniversary. (These two events are not entirely unrelated, by the way.) Sam and I were married 11 years ago today at an Al Capone-themed wedding chapel in Las Vegas followed by a lot of Chinese food. Stop laughing.

Saturday, September 9, 2017

I wish I could do a back flip.

It’s really happening! I’m finally registered with Baylor Hospital’s “Housecalls” program ... visiting M.D.s and nurse practitioners who see you at home because you’re too fucking miserable to show up for a regular office visit like normal people. In my case, I’ve got a first appointment with a nurse practitioner confirmed for Monday. I wish I could do a back flip.

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Wow. Baylor has a “Housecalls” program for shleppy old ladies just like me!

Hi-de-ho, guys! I’ve decided to be “smarter” about my posts from now on … writing a little less at one time with fewer paragraph subtitles so I can keep you updated on my health and ongoing situations here at Howdygram headquarters. When I’m not well I lose track of the days. For instance, I didn’t realize today was Wednesday until a couple of minutes ago and that my last post was on Sunday. I sincerely apologize for being such a screwball.

Sunday, September 3, 2017

Hurricane Barbie and Ku Klux Ken attempt another failed do-over in Houston.

Good Sunday morning to you and yours! Believe it or not, I didn’t know today was Sunday until Sam confirmed it for me about an hour ago as he was on his way out to the door to Wal-Mart. When you’re retired the days of the week all start to look alike and run together. In our house the dialog goes something like this:

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Today’s Shit-O-Meter pain report reflects an improvement over Saturday, Sunday and Monday.

I’ll begin this post with a simple statement: FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! This is due to intense pain in my left heel — a combination of diabetic neuropathy, plantar fasciitis and another bleeding blister on the bottom — plus arthritis in both knees. I’m a complete mess right now, a fact that’s being underscored by a urinary tract infection with uncontrollable peeing and a low-grade fever. I’ve had the infection for more than a week already. Even though I have an appointment to see my primary on September 6, I don’t think I can wait that long for relief so Sam said he’d talk to her office for me today and be my advocate. My dilemma? I need an antibiotic prescription but there’s no way I can see the doctor sooner than September 6 because I have to reserve transportation on the Mesquite senior citizen transit bus TWO WEEKS IN ADVANCE!

Monday, August 21, 2017

Of course he did! Our Moron-in-Chief stared at the fucking sun during today’s solar eclipse.

Yo, howdy, hi-de-ho and how the hell are you? It’s Monday night here at Howdygram headquarters, and I have to make a ridiculous confession: I FORGOT ABOUT THE SOLAR ECLIPSE TODAY. The error came to my attention about an hour ago when I checked my Facebook page and saw selfies from damn near everybody I know — and all their relatives — with their nerd glasses on. Holy shit.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

I honestly didn’t know we had Confederate statues in Dallas.

Today’s Kvetch Report includes a list of physical complaints that I might not have mentioned before. To tell you the truth, this shit is getting weirder, more frequent and sometimes scarier than before. Here we go: 1) painful “charlie horse” muscle spasms in both hands and all ten fingers; 2) skin irritation on the back of both thighs requiring shmears of Balmex cream several times a day; 3) wheezy lungs after a nap; 4) severe muscle tremors in my extremities, tongue, lips and (no kidding) eyebrows; 5) diminished appetitite; 6) stuttering and difficulty speaking normal sentences; and 7) a craving for chopped liver.